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WHPR [Day 1,265] Don't worry, I'm not Mad.

Day 1,265, 22:51 • Published in USA USA

• by James S. Brady Press Room

Index
1. The May White House
2. Just some cool guys
3. Unfortunate Circumstances

Congratulations to President Emerick for earning another 4 weeks in the White House. As far as this months cabinet goes, look out for some new faces, like our new Chief of Staff, Blank Keating, or our new Secretary of the Interior, Bruce Sommer. Or you could even taken notice of our new Secretary of State, this newbie named Glove. I’ve never heard of him, maybe you have.

Anyway, without further ado, your new group of overlords!

Glorious Leader: Emerick
Vice President: Leroy Combs
National Security Advisors: Alexander Hamilton, Colin Lantrip, Publius

Grand Vizier: Publius

Chief of Staff: Blank Keating
Deputy Chiefs of Staff: CRoy, Teucer

Secretary of Defense: Avruch
Deputy Secretaries: DeyoZero, Cerb, Cruinne, ArcNox, Clemens65
OMS Director: Vanek26
AA Director: Zyria

Director of Central Intelligence Agency: Rod Damon

Secretary of State: Glove
Deputy Secretaries: Jelly9473, Stuart Shepard
Director of Ambassadorial Affairs: JLake4

Secretary of Treasury: Anyonymous
Deputy Secretary: chesehead

Secretary of the Interior: Bruce Sommer
Deputy Secretaries: xRoWx Triggers, jerseygirldani
Eternal Secretary of Education: Blank Keating

Secretary of Media: CivilAnarchy
Deputy Secretary: Josh Whitehead

Secretary of Technology: Qnfauf
Deputy Secretary of Technology: liek12

Congressional Liaison: Marxus
INCI Liaison: Mark444

Continuing the policy of highlighting the papers of Americans whom publish worthwhile material, here are a handful individuals publishing quality articles for your delicious consumption.

Glorious Leader, Emerick, hereby declares war upon Congress’s ability to regulate Domestic issues, in his inaugural article outlining his plans for our domestic issues. Emerick plans on using the Top 5 parties to help in his conquest, employing the help of Federalist Party President, Gnilraps, as his evil minion. Congress has been too busy talking about taxes to comment.

Comrade Alexandr Sunbeliever III is sick of all his horrid wealth. You see, after being visited by the ghost of Lenin, Alexandr simply could not deal with the horrors of being pseudo-bourgeoisie. In an attempt to purify himself, he has begun a scholarship fund to fund ‘generally cool people.’ Good show comrade, good show.

The Unkillable, Sir Valero Volcrom, published an article exposing the truths about the benefits of the ‘not wearing pants lifestyle’ and the vicious slander that has historically been throw at said lifestyle by clothing enthusiasts. He also gets some statements by the spokesmen of this lifestyle, Ralphy Ericson. I’d rather die on my feet than live in these clothes.

In our last issue of the WHPR, many of you may have noticed some....less than decent photographs being posted. Sadly, we were attacked by 15 year olds. It was horrible. Their weakness was negated by their massive numbers, and wave after wave advanced towards the White House printing presses. After hours of intense battle, the waves ceased. It was only then that the WHPR team realized the frontal assault had been a simple diversion, perpetuated by the nefarious former chief of Faggotry, Justin Mccravok. Using a spare key he kept after his pathetic tenure in the executive, he accessed the White House press, placed within revealing photographs of his sexual partner, and then locked the door.

Now, I’m not one to hold grudges. Do not worry, small 15 year old, I am not angry. I will not do things like post your RL phone number in the next WHPR if enough people request it. This you will not have to worry about. I will also not post other incriminating photos of you on some sort of chatroulette site or something like that. Do not worry, I am not that angry. All of your personal information is perfectly safe and absolutely no one can access it, this you can be sure of.

Have nice day, America.