White House Press Release #101: On to the Next One

Day 904, 14:18 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room

Ladies and gentlemen, Serbia has no friends.

We’re taking a break from the usual press release formatting to get some information out today.

We suffered a defeat in Liaoning. Despite our best efforts, Serbia managed to hold on to their region in a fair fight. For now.

We have a lot to be proud of in this battle. We brought the damage. America is responsible for the most damage on the attacking side of the battle. We can be particularly proud of the mass of American forces that stayed up for the battle’s beginning which fell near reset at 3:00 AM EST. Our friends were also there: China for one really put up impressive numbers on the battlefield, as did Spain and as always Croatia, among others.

Now, citizens, there’s a storm coming. Enemy nations are going to be filling our media with junk. We’ve all seen it before...we’re going to fall victim to such brilliantly crafted insults as, “LOL FAT AMERICA FAILMAXX GO EAT HAMBURGER OUR TOILET IS OLDER THAN UR COUNTRY LOLOLOL.”

Rather than deal in these silly, barely readable accusations, I encourage you to think about facts.

Want a fun one?
The eUS did more damage in Liaoning than Hungary, Indonesia, Russia, Turkey, and the United Kingdom combined.

I’ll bet Serbia’s glad it was there to defend itself, because its “allies” sure weren’t.



I wonder why…

The US is now turning her eyes to Limpopo, and some of our friends in EDEN are coming along for the ride. This is going to be good, head on down for the fight!

‘Til Next Time America,

David Landon
Secretary of the Media

Gulden Draak
White House Press Secretary