A Tale Of Reds And Patriots

Day 483, 16:11 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

The Fieldist Volume II, Issue 13
The News Reagan Doesn't Want You to Know!

Communists Infiltrate the Military, Revolution Nigh?
The famous war-hero Col. loftedraptor, of the US National Guard, issued a manifesto today, declaring that the time has come for Communist assistance in this nation. Advocates of anti-Communist feeling, gathered together in their "League of Anti-Communist Reactionary Thought" or LACRT (call it LaCart) to plan the way to quash the rising proletarian revolution in the USA.

It seems even as Dishmcds took his dictatorial power in Mexico, the American communists of the Communist Party of the USA, or CPUSA, staged their own small-scale revolution, liberating their party from the Stalinist Mombassa. The new General Secretary of the Party is Lt. pantherthug89, also of the Nat'l Guard. Lofty and Thuggy, as they are affectionately known within the party, promise a new type of Communist, one devoid of the Stalinist images conjured up by former General Secretary Mombassa.

One of these new American Reds gave us the skinny, "The workers' state in America will be stronger than ever before. True American communism understands that we're individuals working for the greater good. It understands that nationalism and communism can co-exist. We can only assist our glorious vanguard leaders in their work to bring about class annihilation!" She naturally refused to give her name, but she wore a work shirt with rolled up sleeves, some jeans, knee-high red leather boots, and had a hammer. I'd get into bed with that kind of communism any day.

She also told us that the Raptor and the Panther are also establishing their own "Army of the Communist States." Both men are veteran members of the military, in the toughest branch, the USNG. It's unclear how they plan to use such an army, since firing on American citizens doesn't win votes... most of the time. However, they may be drawing on discontent in the Guard due to the failure of Operation Alamo. A spokesman for ACS was insistent that they "have no plans to overthrow the legitimately elected capitalist oppressors of the USA at this time."

Reactionaries in the government have a plan to defeat this Red Menace though. "We can simply drown them out by shouting them down and calling them Communists. If that doesn't work we can just go 'lalala I can't hear you lalalala,'" said one Congressional member of LaCart, "Alternatively, we can stick to the plan. We'll just nationalize industry until they can take it no more and disband. They'll never expect something so underhanded and dastardly as that!

We at the Fieldist once called the CPUSA a group "bad communists and bad Americans." However, if loftedraptor and pantherthug89 are serious about bringing forth an American Communsim, we will renounce that statement, noting that it referred only to the CPUSA of the time. We at the Fieldist will watch this new CPUSA with interest, and we encourage all Americans (aka loyal readers of the Fieldist) to do the same.

The Fieldist Endorses
Fieldist readers/loyal Americans, let me pull your coat about a cat I met in my early radical days. I was a poor man at the time, and I spent my entire paycheck on food. At the time, I seized upon anything that would assist in my path to food. And one man has been there the whole time. He's praised my work since I began my original paper, Insight to Riot, a hideously boring piece that you sometimes see with too deep thinkers. I hadn't quite landed upon the tone I was looking for, and grandiose dreams filled my school. Without much further ado...

I give you a man who has sacrificed in the name of this country, so much so that he has laid bare his very brain for one to see. I give you an American from the Conservative Party, who is no fair-weather man, but a true conservative, in its original Burkean sense, who fully understands the meaning of "a government without the means to change is without the means to conserve." He plans to conserve this country so well, that his very election unto the Halls of Congress would prove that this nation has the means to change!

He's the only choice an American can make in his state. He's behind that most American measure of placing the Fieldist staff at the head of the Department of Fun. What's more, you'll never see him endorsed by such an anti-American, "Fred Zilla" (but we all know its Godzilla), murder-happy and sensationalist newspaper such as the Picayune. No, you won't find him endorsed by the snickerdoodle-stealing, pro-bombing, terrorist Man in a Box. The Fieldist is proud to endorse this true candidate of the American Way.

Ladies and gentlemen! I give you, from the Great State of Washington...

mindflay!

If you'd like to be endorsed by the Fieldist, simply make sure that when you announce your candidacy, you nominate SamWystan for Secretary of Fun/Fun Czar. The Fieldist is an equal-opportunity endorser, with no regard for political party, gender, incumbency, or state of residence.