The Bloodstained White House

Day 1,002, 19:34 • Published in USA USA • by Myles Robinson

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Americans are invading Russia. Go shoot some Commies for a while like the good capitalism-loving Amuricans that you are, and then read this when you're done whoring all of your gold to the Admin.

I come to you today with grievous news. There have already been allegations of sexual misconduct among the White House staff, reported by my good alcoholic friend Gulden Draak. But, I am afraid that I have recently come across some startling new evidence of incredible misconduct and criminal activity among some of the leaders of this nation. Everyone knows that the REDCOATS launched a terrorist attack on the United States earlier this summer by dumping BRITISH OIL into our waters and KILLING OUR DOLPHINS. Our Canadian bros have nicely retaliated and are killing Redcoats daily with an intent to, with Poland, eventually own that entire tiny island and Mr Woldy.

Sadly, I must do my duty to report that our President--yes, our Dear Leader--may be a British "Manchurian Candidate" sent here to continue their genocidal mission, backed by his Lieutenant of Evil, Inwegen. Ladies and Gentlemen, my life has been threatened by people in the highest echelons of government for threatening to break OPSEC by revealing this information. But I, a common citizen of no rank just trying to do his duty and bring down these elitists, can not hold back any longer. Here is the recovered document from the national security archives:


There are no words. Only tears.

My life may be in danger for doing this, but it was my duty as a patriotic, cheeseburger-loving American.

The proceeding sentences has absolutely nothing at all to do with the rest of the article, which is mostly about the secret cabal of evildoers who are lurking in our White House. I would just like to say that Pizza the Hut is a security threat with a lot in common with Ajay Bruno; it's like they're the SAME GUY or something. He does things like gives Hungarians citizenship to try surrender our country to the dolphin murdering elitist tyrants from foreign lands. If you follow him, you're a communist AND a dolphin hater. That's even worse than the bloodstained hands of the White House, because at least they aren't communists. Just saying.

~Myles Robinson~