Hard Feelings
Day 623, 23:53
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Published in USA 
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by
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by Cutie Patootie Death Commandos
Issue 03 ▪ Volume I ▪ Est. July 29, 2009
Welcome to the third issue of the The Big Patootie. This morning finds us with our capital occupied by the Portuguese, with D.C.’s women pillaged, and its sheep raped. A dark day indeed. But things have been getting more polarized and cannibalistic over here in the good ol’ eUS for weeks and with the important presidential vote happening today we here at the Patootie had a choice of illuminating a candidate or burning one. Our interview this issue is with Presidential hopeful from the Umbrella Research Party.
Can you smell the smoke already?
This issue’s Cutie Patootie is Miss Mai Sakashita…Yeah, we are completely serious about the name. Our dearest wish is that this little cutie never learns enough English to understand what her name sounds like to our ears.
Home Front
Today all the Death Commandos working here in their schoolgirl skirts and full auto hardware have fire in their hearts and smoke in their nostrils. Our beloved capital has fallen into the hands of the Portuguese and many eAmericans are losing hope. But fear not friends, for the Patootie is once more here to sound the call to action!
The Ukrainian citizen Zoli has given his PEACE propaganda machine the mundane moniker of Business Magazine. You can find him all over the eAmerican issues, most recently commenting on the Department of Defense’s DoD Orders announcements. He always ridicules us for our unsound strategies and ignorant political moves. However, his sole motivation is to promote the interests of PEACE. For instance, one of his articles circulated about a week before the war started advocated putting Q5 Hospitals in many if not all states. (If you want to know why that is a horrible idea read our last issue.) Now PEACE is storming over our states and destroying whatever infrastructure that we had there. We wouldn’t have fought any better with the Hospitals in place but we sure would be a lot poorer for the wasted building, wouldn’t we?
That’s how it works with Zoli, the mouth of PEACE. He lacquers PEACE desires in a candy coating of quite reasonable sounding contrivance. And he is very good at it. Many Americans are under his spell and their unsanctioned battles and voting habits undermine the strength of a resisting government already besieged on too many fronts.
Ah, but do not lose hope, friends! Zoli is good but he is easily countered. As you read his well-sounding words just keep telling yourself, “This guy is a PEACE tool and he wants the US to be destroyed.” Anything he says is contrary to eAmerican success. His advocacies benefit PEACE and the targets of his denouncements are pro-eAmerican. As long as you remember that Zoli is the bad guy his power—Poof!—disappears, just like the smokescreen it truly is.
International
PEACE has clobbered us with military know-how. Whether it is running out of steam or simply taking every available avenue to attack, our enemy is now assaulting us with its newest weapon: the paid ad. We reported last issue about how a Hungarian General was pandering for gold on the ads. Now advertisements have become more insidious with PEACE misinformation and misdirection. Open your eyes to the propaganda war and feast them on this!
West Virginia? We have California and D.C. occupied and someone wants WV to start a 66.5G Resistance War? Obviously the eUS government doesn’t want us to do it or they would have used official channels. We here at the Patootie aren’t very map-savvy yet but that stinks of a red herring response to us.
The Interview: Chris Maliwacki
Chris Maliwacki is the president of Umbrella Research Party, a small political party here in the eUS. He has aspirations for the eUS presidency and it was our intention to discuss recent events that should be taken note of before anyone casts a vote.
The would-be President’s avatar is all too appropriate
How do you feel about the eUS situation in the war? Are you hopeful or discouraged?
As president of our great party I am glad to tell you that both outcomes can greatly benefit our party. We would rather not have the eUS torn to shreds, but should that happen we can show that the current administration was not doing its job very well and that could give us the chance to become one of the top 5 parties, but again both of the outcomes has already shown that our admin has not been there and that now the war is up to the citizens of eRepublik to decide the outcome.
If you found yourself as President of the eUS tomorrow, what would you do differently? What military and political changes would you advocate?
If i had found myself as the next president of eUS i would first off get us out of the war, and secondly i would do a few things to stimulate the economy due to the massive amount of eUS citizens that have moved due to the war and the since the people are who fight i think that they deserve to get rewarded.
There seems to be only two ways out of this war: Victories or surrender. Would you advocate one of these or some other option? How would you accomplish this?
I personally would try to make a deal with peace, maybe let eRussia keep alaska and give peace a state until we can build ourselves back up and then we just take over those states again.
If accepting PEACE terms means that California and Alaska remained occupied, we officially relinquish our allies so they can be attacked, and we sign a peace accord with all PEACE nations, would you do this? What kind of surrender terms would be unacceptable to you?
I would not let our allies down under any circumstances except If i knew 100% that they would not be attacked and there would never be an alliance between our country and PEACE countries.
Are you saying here that [you] would under no circumstance support any kind of involvement with PEACE? What if they offered the eUS a membership in PEACE under the right conditions?
The only condition that would influence me to do that would be if EVERY other country was also in PEACE.
If you do not support PEACE involvement then why have you (1) accepted citizenship from Habraka Abrivianius, a confessed PEACE advocate and propagandist, and (2) related your desire to secretly destroy eAmerica?
(At this point in the interview we present Mr. Maliwacki with (1) his official approval of Mr. Abrivianius and (2) a screen capture within the Umbrella Research Party forums wherein he literally advocates the destruction of the eUnited States to other party members.*
As of the time this issue is being published Chris Maliwacki has yet to respond. The presidential candidate was given 11 hours to answer the last question before The Big Patootie was submitted to the public. We can only encourage him to answer at some point, if not here in this venue, than on the political stage. We offer him our encouragement and wish him luck with his future endeavors.
* Please note, for purposes of eRepublik’s privacy disclosure policy we will not reveal the screen capture here in game. However, if Mr. Maliwacki would like to contest this with the game Administrators we can and will supply proof to vindicate our credibility.
Retractions
It was our understanding that Chris Malawacki and Chris Standwick are the same player. Since publishing this issue doubts have cropped up. If the two accounts are not the same player than we sincerely apologize to Mr. Malawacki for the reference to approving a PEACE agent into the eUS. Such errors can be easily refuted by responding to an agreed upon interview question.
Exalted
Executive Editor
Welcome to the third issue of the The Big Patootie. This morning finds us with our capital occupied by the Portuguese, with D.C.’s women pillaged, and its sheep raped. A dark day indeed. But things have been getting more polarized and cannibalistic over here in the good ol’ eUS for weeks and with the important presidential vote happening today we here at the Patootie had a choice of illuminating a candidate or burning one. Our interview this issue is with Presidential hopeful from the Umbrella Research Party.
Can you smell the smoke already?
This issue’s Cutie Patootie is Miss Mai Sakashita…Yeah, we are completely serious about the name. Our dearest wish is that this little cutie never learns enough English to understand what her name sounds like to our ears.
Home Front
Today all the Death Commandos working here in their schoolgirl skirts and full auto hardware have fire in their hearts and smoke in their nostrils. Our beloved capital has fallen into the hands of the Portuguese and many eAmericans are losing hope. But fear not friends, for the Patootie is once more here to sound the call to action!
The Ukrainian citizen Zoli has given his PEACE propaganda machine the mundane moniker of Business Magazine. You can find him all over the eAmerican issues, most recently commenting on the Department of Defense’s DoD Orders announcements. He always ridicules us for our unsound strategies and ignorant political moves. However, his sole motivation is to promote the interests of PEACE. For instance, one of his articles circulated about a week before the war started advocated putting Q5 Hospitals in many if not all states. (If you want to know why that is a horrible idea read our last issue.) Now PEACE is storming over our states and destroying whatever infrastructure that we had there. We wouldn’t have fought any better with the Hospitals in place but we sure would be a lot poorer for the wasted building, wouldn’t we?
That’s how it works with Zoli, the mouth of PEACE. He lacquers PEACE desires in a candy coating of quite reasonable sounding contrivance. And he is very good at it. Many Americans are under his spell and their unsanctioned battles and voting habits undermine the strength of a resisting government already besieged on too many fronts.
Ah, but do not lose hope, friends! Zoli is good but he is easily countered. As you read his well-sounding words just keep telling yourself, “This guy is a PEACE tool and he wants the US to be destroyed.” Anything he says is contrary to eAmerican success. His advocacies benefit PEACE and the targets of his denouncements are pro-eAmerican. As long as you remember that Zoli is the bad guy his power—Poof!—disappears, just like the smokescreen it truly is.
International
PEACE has clobbered us with military know-how. Whether it is running out of steam or simply taking every available avenue to attack, our enemy is now assaulting us with its newest weapon: the paid ad. We reported last issue about how a Hungarian General was pandering for gold on the ads. Now advertisements have become more insidious with PEACE misinformation and misdirection. Open your eyes to the propaganda war and feast them on this!
West Virginia? We have California and D.C. occupied and someone wants WV to start a 66.5G Resistance War? Obviously the eUS government doesn’t want us to do it or they would have used official channels. We here at the Patootie aren’t very map-savvy yet but that stinks of a red herring response to us.
The Interview: Chris Maliwacki
Chris Maliwacki is the president of Umbrella Research Party, a small political party here in the eUS. He has aspirations for the eUS presidency and it was our intention to discuss recent events that should be taken note of before anyone casts a vote.
The would-be President’s avatar is all too appropriate
How do you feel about the eUS situation in the war? Are you hopeful or discouraged?
As president of our great party I am glad to tell you that both outcomes can greatly benefit our party. We would rather not have the eUS torn to shreds, but should that happen we can show that the current administration was not doing its job very well and that could give us the chance to become one of the top 5 parties, but again both of the outcomes has already shown that our admin has not been there and that now the war is up to the citizens of eRepublik to decide the outcome.
If you found yourself as President of the eUS tomorrow, what would you do differently? What military and political changes would you advocate?
If i had found myself as the next president of eUS i would first off get us out of the war, and secondly i would do a few things to stimulate the economy due to the massive amount of eUS citizens that have moved due to the war and the since the people are who fight i think that they deserve to get rewarded.
There seems to be only two ways out of this war: Victories or surrender. Would you advocate one of these or some other option? How would you accomplish this?
I personally would try to make a deal with peace, maybe let eRussia keep alaska and give peace a state until we can build ourselves back up and then we just take over those states again.
If accepting PEACE terms means that California and Alaska remained occupied, we officially relinquish our allies so they can be attacked, and we sign a peace accord with all PEACE nations, would you do this? What kind of surrender terms would be unacceptable to you?
I would not let our allies down under any circumstances except If i knew 100% that they would not be attacked and there would never be an alliance between our country and PEACE countries.
Are you saying here that [you] would under no circumstance support any kind of involvement with PEACE? What if they offered the eUS a membership in PEACE under the right conditions?
The only condition that would influence me to do that would be if EVERY other country was also in PEACE.
If you do not support PEACE involvement then why have you (1) accepted citizenship from Habraka Abrivianius, a confessed PEACE advocate and propagandist, and (2) related your desire to secretly destroy eAmerica?
(At this point in the interview we present Mr. Maliwacki with (1) his official approval of Mr. Abrivianius and (2) a screen capture within the Umbrella Research Party forums wherein he literally advocates the destruction of the eUnited States to other party members.*
As of the time this issue is being published Chris Maliwacki has yet to respond. The presidential candidate was given 11 hours to answer the last question before The Big Patootie was submitted to the public. We can only encourage him to answer at some point, if not here in this venue, than on the political stage. We offer him our encouragement and wish him luck with his future endeavors.
* Please note, for purposes of eRepublik’s privacy disclosure policy we will not reveal the screen capture here in game. However, if Mr. Maliwacki would like to contest this with the game Administrators we can and will supply proof to vindicate our credibility.
Retractions
It was our understanding that Chris Malawacki and Chris Standwick are the same player. Since publishing this issue doubts have cropped up. If the two accounts are not the same player than we sincerely apologize to Mr. Malawacki for the reference to approving a PEACE agent into the eUS. Such errors can be easily refuted by responding to an agreed upon interview question.
Exalted
Executive Editor
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Comments
Amerimaxxxx!
Nice interview. I like it when folks have the guts to whip out confrontational questions with proof like that, and it's amusing that you've been given no response.
I'm still hoping that Mr. Maliwacki responds and tries to justify himself. If nothing else, it would be a good read. 🙂
I still read the newspaper since the first article. 🙂
Voted.
Ah, one of our most loyal readers!
We here at the Patootie need to get some hats and shirts that say something like,
"I've had my eye on The Big Patootie since it was the little Patootie."
-or-
"I've got The Big Patootie. Envious?"
-or-
"Buy eAmerican! Fight PEACE! Read Patootie!"
-or-
"I read the Patootie before it was a requirement."
...and so on. lol 😃