[GBM] Feds Run for Congress, Party 5K Rescheduled

Day 4,478, 13:18 • Published in USA USA • by Paul Proteus
"The bullet is already in the brain; it won't be outrun forever, or charmed to a halt" -Tobias Wolff


Loyal readers can have some mood music, as a treat

Good morning fellow Americans. Recently there has been what is proverbially known as an explosion of media, insofar as there have been a few articles in the top 5 that are under a week old. And since we know articles last about a week outside of the fridge before they start to smell, we here at Goodbye Blue Monday have decided to get in on the action, and have recommissioned the rusty typewriter and bottle of gin that comprise the Goodbye Blue Monday newsroom to produce another edition of the finest journalism this side of the river Styx (which side isn't terribly important). So, without further ado, dear reader, here is all the print that's fit for news, now in one convenient place!


Goodbye Blue Monday editor pictured above receding into fantasy world where newspapers are still culturally relevant
Paul Proteus Appointed Federalist Party Political Director, Assigned to Write Congress Article
Dateline: Day 4478
Location: Abandoned warehouse just outside of town

Citing his experience padding his resume with gifs and a shortage of citizens willing to fill the party's most arduous sinecures, Federalist Party President Melissa Rose recently appointed notorious nuisance and avid gardener Paul Proteus to the position of Federalist Political Director. While GBM's traditional sources were unavailable for comment due to being long-dead, when Derphoof was accosted outside of his stable, and asked if he thought Paul would do a good job, the former President responded with a terse "neigh." Providing a much needed counterpoint, when reached for comment via Ouija board, Cromstar's skeletal remains went on record saying, "L-E-T-M-E-D-I-E."

The first order of duty for the intrepid new political director of the largest eAmerican party will be to publicly announce the Federalist candidates for Congress.....oh goddammit I knew there was something I was forgetting to do.


If you're wondering how an already written article can experience technical difficulties, you've never seen the Goodbye Blue Monday newsroom. Also shut up

On to our main story of the night:

Federalists Run for Congress, morning jogging finally pays off
Dateline: Still day 4478
Location: Washington, DC, obviously


We would like to take this opportunity to announce that the entire Fed treasury has been spent on cool shades. Don't tell anyone

As long as I've been a member, the Federalist Party has excelled in guiding the agenda of our e-nation through electing intelligent, involved, and active members of our most esteemed Congress. Thus, after returning to the position of political director, I am proud(/horny) to announce this month's slate. We have a varied slate of old players and very old players, experienced experts and seasoned pros. The point is, we're running excellence, and we're not even out of breath.

In short, here is every reason why you should vote Federalist on the 25th:

The official Federalist Congressional Lineup:

Molly Emma
Jd Jack Serenade
Dinnyin
shadowber
Herr Vootsman
Paul Proteus
Raidoh
ubuntu21
Buckwheat McCoy
Miesha
wayoflife
Apollo221
Arctic Sunrise
Melissa Rose
Iamback
David Toe


Several brave archival image miners died bringing you this gif


Okay, that's all I got. I think that was pretty good. Was it good for you? Never mind, don't answer that. Until next time, make sure to vote Fed, read some of this rad stuff floating around, and drop by Discord : we can talk about Diplomacy and reminisce, it'll be a party.



Yours in eternity,
Paul Proteus,
Commander of the Broforce,
Political Director of the Federalist Party,
Winner of the first and final eUS pineapple eating contest