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The Man-Moth always seats himself facing the wrong way
and the train starts at once at its full, terrible speed,


^{As always, carefully curated mood music~}

Aramec once accused me of only writing when I had a friend to endorse. At the time I took it as a friendly slight, but in hindsight, I feel pretty good about that sentiment. Here's the thing: this game runs on excitement. Yeah, it also runs on Mastercards, and apathy, and maybe some duct tape and a few black market batteries purchased in 1998 that the admins use to keep the servers functional. But beyond all that, it runs on excitement.

And while I'm not sure I'm capable of generating that kind of excitement myself, there are some people, to my eternal bewilderment, who still can. And then I get excited, maybe you do too, and then it's a whole thing. Not unlike chicken pox.

Anyway, this is an official Federalist Party article, so, none of that is particularly relevant, except one thing. And this has been my point the whole time:

Tyler Bubblar Likes to Go Fast

I mean that metaphorically of course. Well, probably. Maybe he speeds a lot, I don't know. That's between him and the authorities.

But Tyler Bubblar cares about this godforsaken game, he cares about the eUS, and he's willing to do a lot of work to make the eUS go fast too.


^{Live footage of Tyler Bubblar, confusing words, beginning his run for President}

I'm not going to talk about platforms. Tyler's already told you what he wants to do.

I'm not going to talk about cabinets, Tyler's already shown that when he calls, nearly every player of quality within a 500 mile radius is willing to show up and help out.

I'm not going to talk about domestic policy, because Tyler's already made clear he's going to jumpstart DoCA and Interior by bringing in two excellent active Secretaries, including Max and what appears at the time of publication to be a sentient Tex-Mex dish, who have already published more detailed plans for these departments than have been visible in months.

And I'm not going to talk about velocity, because velocity is a vector, and this article is about scalars, like speed.


^{Don't fuck it up}

What I do want to talk about is the fact that Tyler has led this country before in good times and bad. And that he's always, always, given it his all. I want to talk about how Tyler is the kind of player who, after taking a break from playing, immediately comes back and, entirely on his own, sets up a national program giving players food and weapons out of his own pocket. And while he calls it AmeriCare, a play on FediCare, which was itself, uh, a very original name invented by very clever people, it really should be called TylerCare.

I also want to talk about how Tyler is an exemplary player, who not only knows what he's doing, but also is willing to listen to everyone around him. How Tyler is the rare kind of player who keeps his friends close, and his close friends closer.

Anyway I wanted to talk about a lot of things, but this is a party article, so, instead, I'll stop with these rhetorical framing devices, and just get to the point:

The Federalist Party supports Tyler Bubblar for President


^{Tyler also has the best propaganda, an all important metric}

There isn't much more to say about Tyler. We live in a virtual world where we all know each other. All of our actions are matters of public record. Players like Tyler are rare. The Federalist Party endorsed Tyler by a vote of 15-0.

So, all that's left to say is this:

On the 5th, ask yourself America,

Do you want to go fast?

If the answer is yes, or if you're even just a little curious, join me,

Vote for Tyler Bubblar

Yours,
Paul Proteus
Recording Secretary of the Tyler fan club
Guy who writes stuff, sometimes