Weekly Investment Report [Dueling Ponzi Scheme Part 2]

Day 837, 21:56 • Published in Canada Canada • by Tyler F Durden






CIBC Bi-Annual Weekly Report




When you look at this logo, you think;
"Hey, thats a real world bank! Must be trustworthy!"




That is exactly the response I want to elicit from you - my target.
For the sake of optics, we'll refer to you as the "investor" from now on.






Hi! I'm OctoPonzi_F! You may have heard of me from my endless trolling or my countless attempts to get elected as Country President. I was also a two time dictator of the CEP. I created the CEP's first Jail Cell, for Craig Normans. I created the first Canadian Unions where I PMed GMs to death commanding them to change their prices to what I think they should be at. I was also the first to discover that I can double the national GDP by crashing the CAD.

I am a citizen of many firsts, but that is not why we are here today. I have brought someone here to help me explain why you should hand over your hard earned gold to "us" and if you absolutely refuse to do so, how to run your own racket!.

Our first guest is Dr. Nick Riviera!




Hi Everybody! The first and most important part of running a successful Ponzi Scheme is continually referring to yourself as "us" or "we". Make it look like there are more people involved than just you. It makes it look more legitimate to the more scrutinizing target, or "investor". Next, you will need to steal someone's contract and fudge it up to make it look legitimate. Contracts of course do not matter because if you word it right you can get away with murder! Also, be sure to embed links to your citizen account to make it nice and easy for targets to "invest". Also, don't worry about paying out interest payments - you can just ignore all PMs by deleting them!






I want my gold back you thief! You suckered me into giving you gold!
Now my echildren will starve to edeath and there is nothing I can do if you don't agree to refund me!






Don't listen to him, he is just a typical troller. We do not have his gold, he is just delusional. Sorry OctoPonzi_F, I hear sirens - it's time for me to get out of here!






Oh, back to me already? hehe I was just on the phone to the CIBC Money Markets Team downstairs on the CIBC Trading Floor where all the action is.
I know, lets ask one of our regular "investors", like you want to be about donating your gold to us.





[img]http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/servlet/JiveServlet/downloadImage/38-2023-3296/300-327/HomerSimpson.JPG[/img]
I got no gold! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm broke! "They" took it all!!!






Moving on...lets enjoy a testimonial from a satisfied CIBC customer.
















Click on image to enlarge - no donations necessary

I don't understand it, he was here a minute ago...
We fed him and paid him 40 bucks to be here...
Okay, look, if you "invest" with me, you can look forward to these Weekly Reports every few months or so, give or take a month or two...





Who's got my blow? Oh...send your gold to us!!!!1 sniff. We gotta feed the monkey - er invest in the Money Markets which are owned by the CEO sniff.




[img]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/it/thumb/c/c9/Troy_McClure.JPG/280px-Troy_McClure.JPG[/img]
Look, here is the thing. Eventually you are gonna have to pay out some interest to your bigger "investors" to keep them from demanding their gold back. For this, simply publish another 'Weekly Investor Report' talking about how many people are "investing" with you. Naturally, you will only have to publish these reports every few months - not actually every week.

Just make sure you CALL it a Weekly Report!

Using this method, you can raise the capital necessary to appease your big fish "investors". It's your big fish that grease your rails. Don't worry about making the small fish happy, they are insignificant and have no voice. After all, it's a big fish eats little fish world, isn't it? This is what I like to call the "Empty Restaurant Method", or "ERM" Now, if you were hungry and were walking by an empty restaurant, would you really want to eat there? Nobody else is, why would you? Then you come across the packed restaurant with music playing. Now THAT sounds like somewhere you want to eat, after all - everyone else is!



This looks like a great place to eat, doesn't it?
This is what your operation's image should look like.


You can keep it all and brag to anyone who will listen how rich you are, after all - you have no intention on returning any gold to anyone unless they threaten to squeal loud enough! Just make sure that you put aside some gold to pay off interest rates if one of your big fish decide to withdraw their investment. You will be obligated to pay him because of your 'contract' but remember you will still have to keep the whole scheme afloat - don't do what Bernie Madoff did and have no rainy day fund!


Click on image to view what happens in jail to Ponzi Operators

Just make sure that this doesn't happen to you!


Subscribe for the next 'Weekly Report',
due out no later than 2014!


http://www.erepublik.com/en/citizen/donate/items/1637059">INVEST!


The small print: This article is pure satire. That being said, I have no intention of reimbursing any donors who are foolish enough to donate their gold to me. I reserve the right to do whatever I want with any and all gold sent to me. It will probably go towards Lana because I have never used her and I feel like using her...especially the way she dresses - you've seen how she dresses. She WANTS it. Furthermore, by sending me your gold entitles me to PM you incessantly asking you for more or if you have friends that have any gold to help us keep feeding the monkey.


Read Part One of the Dueling Satires HERE

Read Part Three of the Dueling Satires HERE

Read Part Four of the Dueling Satires HERE

Read Part Five of the Dueling Satires HERE


Teh Lulz!



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