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The Daily Absorbent and Fresh-smelling Times is committed to bringing our readers the best in-depth coverage of the upcoming Congressional race. That's why our reporters have just recently got in touch with Citizen 6, a Congressional hopeful who is currently seeking endorsements and constituents in the highly exciting upcoming race in the New Mexico region. As you already know this region will be key in the utter domination of Mexico that soon will occur upon the successful completion of Operation Spring Break.

We caught up with Citizen 6 just outside "Chunky Wadd's Adult Theater, Bunny Club, & Cocktail Bar", one of the many classy new nightspots in beautiful downtown Santa Fe. We hadn't exactly scheduled an interview with Citizen 6, but after stalking him through the dim and coconut oil scented club, we noticed an opportunity to speak with him as he stumbled alone outside the side-entrance into a nearby alleyway. After a few uncomfortable moments as he faced a nearby brick wall with his back to us, we introduced ourselves and asked Mr. 6 if he'd be willing to answer a few questions regarding his reasons for seeking Congressional office.

At first he seemed a bit reluctant, and even refused to shake our hands because as he said, "Listen bud ... I can't shake your hand, I'm kinda busy right now".

That comment temporarily struck us as being odd, but because it was dark and a bit foggy that night, we eventually deduced from the sound of running water that he must have been helping to keep the alley clean with a nearby water hose. Just goes to show that obviously, Citizen 6 cares about his community!

After first making a good humored joke by telling us to, "Go away perverts!” Mr. 6 finally finished his neighborly chore and approached us underneath the crisp dome-light of the club's entryway. As if dancing, he moved from side-side in an obvious playful fashion until we eventually stopped him by showing our Press Credentials, after which he finally settled back into a relaxed posture and lit a cigarette.

"Fine. Go ahead ...” he said with the soft and respectful tone that we, as such well respected journalists, often hear when we interview even the highest level politicians. It seems Mr. 6 is extremely media savvy - definitely a trait that makes for a good politician. And of course it helps that he frequents the types of classy locations, like Chunky Wadd’s, that all the big-wigs and celebrities like to go to.

We asked Citizen 6 exactly why he was running for political office, and after a thoughtful silence, he gave us one of the most insightful answers we've ever heard ushered from a politician’s mouth.

"Because," he said. "I like tacos".

Though we nodded our heads in agreement. The truth was we didn't really understand what he meant at first ... but thankfully after noticing our confusion, Mr. 6 explained his comments.

"Well you see, I like tacos, because tacos make people happy," he said as he pulled out one of his political brochures. "Especially the fish ones. You can see for yourself right here."



"Doesn't that make you smile?” he asked caressing the edges of the brochure ever so lightly. “I can’t get enough of a good Fish Taco. Can you?”

And you know what? He's right! It did make us smile. And who doesn't like a good fish taco now and again? Beats a burrito if you ask us. But his insights didn't stop there, Citizen 6 continued to dazzle us with his firm grip of history, as well as an obviously astute understanding of the future of this great country of ours.

"You see,” he went on, “When most people think of Mexican cuisine, they think of tacos. This bothers me. Not just because Mexico is our natural enemy -- and hence, the scourge of the western hemisphere -- but more so because they didn't 'really' invent the taco! That is to say, the REAL taco as we know it today. By that of course, I mean the HARD Taco, not those wimpy soft rollie-pollie things that are basically like little soggy burritos if you ask me. I mean, really! Only a Mexican would call that a taco. And they've been passing that garbage off for decades. Everyone knows that the first taco, the first REAL taco, was made in New Mexico! Right here! In the good 'ol USA. And that! ... is why I am running for Congress. Because the lies that the Mexicans have been telling for all these years needs to be brought to an end. I mean, its bad enough that, as you know ... they took our jobs!"

His words seemed to echo through the nearby darkened streets as we heard countless other distant voices one-by-one pick up the now growing, and well-known, battle cry of the US armed forces. A chorus of patriotic fervor, moving from one person to the next in the night.



Not knowing as much about tacos as we would like (who does?), we were reluctant at first to believe his remarks. However, we were amazed to discover that Citizen 6 is absolutely correct! The first hard taco WAS made in New Mexico. Don't believe us? Just check out this extremely well-respected and strictly verified Wikipedia article. It's obviously true … because Wikipedia says so. And even if our in-depth research isn't enough to prove it's validity, most citizens will no doubt agree with the new Department Of Education's motto ... "Wikipedia don't lie, be@ches!", and that should shut-up any naysayers out there.

But Citizen 6's case wasn't settled there. Shortly thereafter he pulled out a mysterious manila envelope from him back pocket. We were surprised, and obviously a bit excited to notice in the dim light of the alleyway, that the words 'Top Secret' were stamped across the document in bold red lettering.

"I probably shouldn't show you this," he whispered, "But recently this photo was taken by one of our operatives near Cancun. As you can see, contained in this photograph, is the whole reason why this new war with Mexico is being fought. Why it MUST be fought!"



"You can see right here ... this Mexican citizen is doing exactly what has driven us to war with his country. Obviously this man -- this Mexican -- is lying on a warm sun-baked beach somewhere along the Gulf of Mexico, soaking up the rays, relaxing, and probably listening to Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet for Pete's sake! And THAT ... is – our - job! We're the ones who are suppose to be enjoying these warm beaches, all you can eat buffets, cheap tequila, and checking out the bikini bimbos and lonely ex-housewives ... not them! Not them! Its all right here. This is proof! They took our jobs! Or as they like to say ... 'our yobs'!"

While Mr. 6 was obviously getting emotional about this tragic fact, one which many of us may have long since regrettably seen as the truth, we saw his comments as a way of inviting us to ask more about the newly erupted war with the hated Southern Menace. So naturally, we jumped on the opportunity.

"You know," he said, "I just got back from Baja. We lost the first round of that battle, but when I retired from the battlefield, things seemed to be improving. Unfortunately," he added as he looked at the large neon Chunky Wadd’s sign above us, "I had to get back for ... umm ... personal reasons."

No doubt being a political candidate requires a lot of time management skills, and he seemed eager to get back to his campaign activities inside the club. But before he left, we asked Citizen 6 if there were any other reasons he was running for Congress. He snuffed his cigarette out under his boot, reached into his jacket, and pulled out a small yellow cloth. This he carefully held up to us in order to catch the bright colors of the object in the hard light of the door's overhanging light.

"Just one," he added. "If elected, I promise to do everything possible to change the flag of New Mexico to represent the rich and complex history of this great state! As you can see, my campaign staff and I have gracefully weaved the historical New Mexican flag with the image of that great AMERICAN confection, the hard taco. With this modification, our state and our nation will finally be able to show our traditional pride ... and take back what is rightfully ours, once and for all!"



No doubt many of us in the eUSA will agree with candidate Citizen 6, and it is the opinion of this reporter that the additions to the new-New Mexican flag are long overdue. But ultimately, it will be up to the voters to decide.

As Citizen 6 adjusted his belt and prepared to return indoors, we did have one last parting question. And in the long tradition of the true hard-hitting journalism that we at the Daily Absorbent & Fresh-smelling Times are known for, we asked the question that is probably on everyone's mind.

"You're running on the Libertarian ticket," we asked softly, looking over our shoulders as we did. "What caused you to join the counter-revolutionary forces, and do you see this as problem considering the current unpleasantness with the Frost regime?"

"Not really," came his flat response. "Frost is a brutal dictator, but damn it ... he's right about Mexico! I can’t speak for the whole party, but Frost and I are on the same page there. And though his domestic policy of hunting down and executing B-list actors is deplorable, he at least does realize that Mexico must be destroyed. I have to admit, the use of his dreaded Hover Cats in OP: Spring Break is a brilliant strategic move, but just image what would happen if he should unleash them on the US population. If that were to happen, the entire country would join the counter-revolution, mark my words. And preventing such a thing is exactly what the Libs are here for ... to keep the crazy kitteh on his paws."

"Besides," Mr. 6 added while standing halfway through the door, "I couldn't in good conscience blindly follow around a pussy[cat]! Last time I did that, I ended up with a restraining order!"

We wanted to follow up on this last comment, but unfortunately Citizen 6 had closed the door behind him with a smile. Apparently he must have forgotten the self-locking characteristics of the side-entrance and despite our repeated attempts at banging on the door, the sound of the club music obviously must have prevented him from hearing us. Otherwise we are sure he would have let us back in.

The office of our illustrious President Frost was unavailable for comments about the New Mexico congressional race, but anyone who has followed the private life of our great President and defender of true American values, probably already knows how much he enjoys a good taco (fish or otherwise), as evident in this recent photograph taken of him just a few days ago.




All citizens are encouraged to vote in the upcoming elections. And remember, Vote early … and Vote often!

* The Daily Absorbent & Fresh-smelling Times. DAFT news, for daft people. President Frost reportedly “uses” it … you should too! *

Vote CITIZEN 6 for Congress!!