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The Fieldist Volume I, Issue 4
The News Nixon Doesn't Want You to Know!

America for the Americans
As the prelude to Operation Taco Bell comes to a close, we are now entering a brand new phase. In his latest article the President of America and Mexico Uncle Sam mentions some secret plans. Loyal readers of the Fieldist will recognize this phrase.We first mentioned the invasion of Mexico prior to the declaration of war.

We've all heard the idea of a quick war with a short occupation. Naturally, no politician, except the reasonably ballsy Jewitt, would ever admit to America as an expansionist power. And certainly no politician who wanted to retain his or her seat would call us an imperialist power. But let's face facts people.

The Pan-American Empire is coming. From Alaska to Zona Austral, we at the Fieldist have discovered that the CIA is currently advancing notions of Pan-American unity. Driven on by a secret Pan-American lobby, the Pan-American Empire is quickly becoming reality.

We managed to get an interview with a member of the Pan-American lobby, who refused to tell us his name, and stood in the shadows so we couldn't see any distinguishing features. However, we met him in the parking garage of the Department of Education building, so we can assume that he works for them.

"America is a very backwards country," said the lobbyist, in a rich baritone, "other very modern nations, like Romania, Iran, Pakistan, Indonesia, even Italy, have empires. However, Americans aren't very pro-Empire, so it's important not to let them in on the fact that we're building one anyways. And with America being such a large nation, it's difficult to add more states, but we feel confident that we will incorporate at least 3 new states in the coming days." He then nervously shifted in his suede penny loafers, took out a pack of Lucky Strikes, and lit one with a match from a matchbook with a lady in an American flag bikini on the cover.

They Don't Have Tacos in Mexico
The plan of operations for Taco Bell is essentially this: American troops will invade Mexico along Baja, Northeast Mexico, and Northwest Mexico. "Polish-controlled" provinces will be conquered, and pro-American Mexicans will take control of the country in a glorious revolution during March 5th. Look for a Mexican who has spent time at a prestigious American university (we recommend eBrown U) to take the presidency.

But it's Operation Taco Bell for a reason. Taco Bell doesn't just roll through your town, it sets up shop. America is going to set up shop in Mexico. The official explanation will be that "Polish insurgents" (pfft, the Polish) are preventing us from peacefully returning the country back to the Mexicans. Once we've secured routes farther south via this explanation, the American public will ultimately support our pursuit of those Poles into Venezuela, Brazil, Argentina, and Chile.

A Military Perspective
We spoke to a gallant First Sergeant in the US National Guard on the matter, "look," said the dashing First Sergeant, with a smile that dazzled and shone, "I'm in the National Guard. I'm not like those namby-pamby US Army boys who get all the preferential treatment, or those jarheads in the Marines who get all the fancy toys. No the National Guard doesn't get to do squat, and we have to buy our own weapons, because this country doesn't care about defending its borders. A Pan-American Empire would be great for the Guard, because it'd give us that much more America to Guard. Empires require the ability to quickly put down a lot of revolutions. Maybe the American public will respect the Guard that much more when we have to crush the various insurgencies that will threaten to take away the lifestyle they'll become accustomed to in a Pan-American Empire."

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The Fieldist reminds its loyal readers that we've been snubbed by presidential candidate Jewitt for consideration for a role in the Department of Fun. If you truly love the Fieldist, and by extension, America, you'll write to the presidential candidate of your choice, recommending us for Fun Czar.