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The Fieldist Volume I, Issue 1
The News Hitler Doesn't Want You to Know!

Foreign Scoundrels Attack US Sovereignty
As a prelude to what is being pre-emptively termed "World War II," Spain has invaded Italy, Indonesia is invading Australia, and probably India (again), who knows what Pakistan plans to do, etc.

However, Romania has declared war on Iran, as well as declaring all of ATLANTIS behind it. US politicians stand stone-faced on the matter, at least in the press. With the president of America refusing to answer one way or the other on the issue, Romanians have taken it upon themselves to ensure that America responds accordingly.

A group the Fieldist identified as "the Iron Guard" have arrived in American parties prior to the Congressional election to take over the country. Said one member, "We look forward to taking America into the next month, preferably by making it one and the same as Romania. We plan to call the new country, Romerica."

As threatening as such remarks may be, the Fieldist has discovered something even more frightening: the majority of Americans are not American! Apparently, many Americans identify themselves as English or German, or African, or Scandinavian, or Italian, or Mexican, or Asian, and even sometimes, Indian. In fact, Americans exist only in a small belt from Arkansas to West Virginia. Further investigation on these patriot-seeming individuals exposed them as Scots-Irish insurgents.

We at the Fieldist urge any patriotic American to expose his or her neighbor as an immigrant. It seems clear that this foreign menace has infiltrated our highest levels of government and must be purged.

Taxes To Reach 100%
In preparation for the proposed "World War II: The Revenge of PEACE" the US Congress is discussing a proposal to raise taxes to 100% across all consumer items, the VAT and imports. Said one congressmen, who refused to be named due to the unpopularity of tax increases in general, "we figure if we nationalize the citizenry, we'll be able to pay for a super strong military. Since military spending is directly proportional to how well you do in a battle, if we pump all this money into the military, we'll be unstoppable."

Fiscal conservatives, who were wary of the tax increase, were willing to reach across the isle to the communists, socialists, and left-wing radicals to accept that increased taxation in times of war is necessary. Said one conservative, "I want it to be clear that I'll defend my country before I oppose taxes. We've got to support the troops, and if that means take from Paul to pay Private Peter, I'll do it again and again and again. I'm not weak on defense."

Some citizens seemed upset by the proposed tax increases. "I won't be able to pay for my food, let alone buy that house I've always wanted," said a homeless drifter who was found sleeping this morning in the Fieldist office lobby. As the police dragged him away for trespassing he added, "I believe I'll vote Romanian!"

However, government officials called such ilk "lollygaggers." A congressional page said, "Look, congressmen have explained this to me again and again. If you can't afford to give all your money to the government, the government will supply you with Q1 food for a very small fee. Also, it seems unlikely that anyone but those who are inactive will die before they reach level 5, so they can always sell their gold to rich businessmen, which will sustain them them for a very long time."

We attempted to reach the White House for comment on the matter, but unfortunately, we were unable to gain a connection. However, a helpful tour guide at the Vice President's mansion made it very clear that the increases were "like the last ones, only temporary."

The Secret Plan to Invade Mexico
An well-placed source inside the Joint Chiefs of Staff confirmed to the Fieldist yesterday that plans were being undertaken to conquer Mexico once and for all. Codenamed "Operation Manifest Destiny 2" and jokingly referred to by members of the military as "Operation Taco Bell," the secret plans reveal a sinister motive to the president's War Games idea. Apparently, the plan calls for a declaration of war against Mexico as soon as World War II breaks out. This declaration will be labeled a "war game" by the president. After convincing Congress of its necessity, the "war game" will begin.

Troops will pour into Baja, as well as the Northeast, and Northwest of Mexico, striking for the Central Highlands to sever the capital from the country. The President will be shocked at the actions of the military, which he will publicly reprimand. However, he will say that America cannot lose face in such uncertain times, and thus Mexico will be completely conquered. After the war, the initial sites of the invasion will be incorporated as the 51st, 52nd, and 53rd states, and a puppet government of Mexico will be set up by a few key government members who were cleverly "dismissed" to save the president face.

The military is ecstatic to show American military prowess after the debacle in the Azores. A First Sergeant in the National Guard told us this, "my platoon, on average, is at combat ready status. I look forward to swimming in the Gulf of Mexico from Mexican shores. Also, the tequila will be great."