The Empire Writes Back

Day 2,128, 08:10 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Mr Woldy


Summer Trips to Calais

WHEN I was a nipper, it was the norm for your school to organise a little school trip to France in order to spice up the academic lives of the sproglets who inhabit the corridors and classrooms and junior schools.


School trips Woldy style

I shall now go on to describe events which, at the hands of despotic frenchmen, I am sure we have all experienced. If you are of a sensitive disposition, stop reading now.


Year 7, French trip. 2001.

Calais, gateway of Paris. Picture if you will; a small group of excited school children, looking forward to the week ahead, eating sandwiches on a bus whilst being hurtled down the most ill-conceived transport connection in British History, the Channel tunnel.

After a short trip, we arrive in Calais, and before embarking on a road trip of northern France, find ourselves stopped at a services station in order to buy cheap sweets and void our bowels.


Speak to some people in French they said. It will be good practise they said.


Our ambitious linguists with the encouragements of their teachers approach a couple of individuals employed at the services station, cleaners if my memory serves, and pitch the simple question: quelle heure est-il.

The response?*






PCHAH!, Said I. Very rude, very rude indeed. The merciless shattering of infantile ambition and self confidence was bound to have dangerous repercussions. And those repercussions have manifested themselves here.


Our faces after the Affront

So, as representative of the British Empire through my position of King of the eUK, I have written the following response:

Salut ! Quelle heure est-il ? Je vais vous le dire. Il est temps que vous remettiez Calais aux Anglais. Cette région aété ajoutée à notre empire et le roi Woldy 1er ne vous considère plus apte à gérer cette région. Il réclame à nouveau la France (ou du moins une partie) comme possession pour son royaume. Merci, eUK.


Thanks for reading!
HM Woldy I,

OBE, KCVS, MC, HRH.





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*Based on true events: any familiarity between people depicted and real life persons is entirely intentional and the author only hopes that by disseminating stereotypes such as garlic eating frogs-leg munching stinky brothel visiting beret wearing buffoons (whose uncouth and derisive manner of handling citizens of his Majesties Commonwealth must be put to an end), he can cause as much offence as possible.