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A Public Speaking Misadventure
A Chapter in the Storytime with Uncle Charlie series
I've lived an adventurous life.. more accurately, a mis-adventurous life. I've developed a number of stories around memories... some of the stories are pretty good, even as the memories may not be. I am working on compiling them all, editing and refining for publication someday.
These are stories from the real world, they are not eRepublik related. If you are a game purist and do not wish to read about non-game things, then here's your warning... move on.
And.. these are stories.. the old fashioned kind with background and color. They are not designed for the short attention span instant gratification audience. You'll be taken on a journey that is designed as much for your enjoyment as the punchline at the end.

Dateline: Wednesday July 7 (Day 959)
Location: Fort Sill, Oklahoma
Reporter: George Armstrong "F-Bomb" Custer


My best friend's daughter posted a thing on Facebook which was shared with me.
One item on her list reminded me of one of my stories, so I wrote it out to share with her.

Sam,
Your mom shared with me your "meme" thing from Facebook.
One item in particular stood out, and of course I have a story for it..
19. In the same vein I have stage fright and fear public speaking. When I have to do either I break out in a sweat, shake, and stutter. There's been times I've almost blacked out because I was so scared. I really want to get over this fear.

When I was in Oregon taking a shot at the candle business, I got it in my head that famous people are rich and I wanted rich people as customers because they blow big money on stupid shit and.. well, you saw the candles.
A very standard 6" design.

But it's Oregon, not L.A., so who are the rich and famous in Oregon? I thought I'd start with the Governor and see if that opened any doors for me. So I call the Governor's office and get an appointment to see him. I made sure the secretary understood clearly that I was out to sell candles to the Governor and anyone else I met there. I figured an autographed ten dollar bill would look cool in the scrapbook, and anything beyond that was money.. and hopefully some word-of-mouth connections.

The big day comes and we-- my roommates and work mates at the little commune house I'd set up-- haul 30 candles down to the State Capitol.. I want to show off a decent variety and make a memorable impression. Oh, and a hand sculpted elephant I made as a gift to the Governor. We get let into the Governor's fancy ceremonial office early and we set candles on every piece of furniture in the place. We took pictures of the candles, and of each other posing in front of various historic maps and paintings and stuff. I had my picture taken sitting in his big leather chair, Army booted feet up on the big antique desk. In comes Governor Vic Atiyeh, collar and tie loosened and carrying his jacket-- he wasn't expecting people to be already in his office ahead of him.. he definitely didn't expect to find his office full of hippies.


Anyways... we got all straightened out, the Governor was a pretty swell guy, but couldn't buy any candles that day because his wife only gives him ten bucks a day to buy lunch. He asks us to make an appointment to come again and he'd be sure to have twenty bucks and his wife's recommendations on colors. We give him the elephant sculpture and take more pictures, then set about the tedious task of wrapping and boxing the candles to go home. His personal secretary came in and directed us to just take the candles to the Staff main office room, where she'd clear off a table for us and we could at least get our gas money out of the trip.
A Congressman came in.. I don't remember his name.. he'd had trouble getting an appointment to see the Governor, and from his behavior I could see why. The Governor motioned to his assistant, who got between him and the aggressive Congressman and made his excuses for him while the Governor made a hasty retreat-- stopping long enough to shake my hand, thank me for coming, and remind me to come again and he'd be better prepared.
This Congressman fella... once the Governor had extracted himself and the assistant had withdrawn.. of course he liked the candles and asked who we were.. and how the hell I got in to see the Governor when he couldn't..
He told us he was involved in some sort of public relations group, Footprinters, whose mission was to promote goodwill between law enforcement agencies and the public. There was to be a banquet in a couple weeks and our candles would make great centerpiece decorations on the tables, and afterward the candles might sell and raise money for the benefit cause. Okay, so I let the Governor's secretary know when that is so we can come back that day to see the Governor and then do the banquet dinner that night. The candles we'd brought that day..? We put them on a work table, made a "$10 each" sign on an index card, left a cigar box and the stack of tissue paper there... and we went out sightseeing. When we returned to the office at the end of the day the candles were all gone and the cigar box had close to $400 in it.
Okay.. so on the second trip to the Capitol we took 40 candles. Ten for the banquet and 30 for the Governor to choose from. Again he was not prepared to buy candles, again we put the candles on a table in the back office, again we walked with close to $400 and no leftover stock. We also learn that the Governor is not allowed to accept personal gifts, so my elephant sculpture was stashed in a room with all the other crap he gets, to be auctioned off at an annual benefit event. We bide our time and show up at the hall, early for the banquet.
click to go to Footprinter.org
The quack Congressman had not made any arrangements to have our candles on the tables, but I was able to convince the decorator to allow me to alter the floral centerpieces to include the candles, and we got to work. The last centerpiece hit the table just as the first guest arrived. "Fairy Larry" (another story entirely) and I sat at a small table along a wall, expecting to get a free meal and keep an eye on our candles.
The room fills up... there's cops of every possible type, some in dress uniform, some in plain clothes but you could just tell.. there were civic leaders from the local community level on up to State, there were politicians from town councilmen up to State Senators. And two hippies.
So there's speeches.. and speeches and more speeches. Cops are so wonderful, politicians and civic leaders love cops; civilians just don't understand cops and are afraid of cops, and young people hate cops. Whatever shall we do? We try to beat love and understanding into them, and they just don't get it!
So my Congressman friend had been the first to speak, and he's going to be the last, to have a closing word before the dinner is served. He says he'd noticed how the guests were admiring the centerpieces, that they will be available for purchase after dinner, and then calls attention to me and Larry and asks me to come up and say a few words.
Oh.
My.
Freaking.
God.
They're all applauding, encouraging me to go on up to the front, there... some big ol' Drill Sergeant looking State Policeman comes over and takes me by the arm and pretty much carried me like a rag doll up to the dais, and gives me a little toss toward the podium.
Over 250 people.. cops, politicians, civic leaders and a few very straight civilians... all waiting for the hippie to say something supportive of cops and their wonderful group and its cause.
And I wanted to.. I really did. If you completely discount every encounter I'd ever had with cops, forget every tear gassing, beating, unlawful detainment and rights violation I'd ever experienced in my life, you could say that the law enforcement community are upright folks with a tough job to do and just working from behind a bit of a Public Relations problem.
Which is what I wanted to say.
But I didn't.
What I did say was...
"You know, nobody likes cops..."
I kinda had my next sentence formulated, but never got a chance to say it.
It's just as well, it would have been a lie anyways.

There are classes on public speaking.
They teach you how to not sweat like a pig and pee your pants.
They teach you how to have a better opening line than I did.
Take the class.



George Armstrong "F-Bomb" Custer
USCongressman, Oklahoma
Party President, American Military Party
US National Guardsman, active
Australian Drop Bear, retired
USArmy Major General, retired
(got a resume longer than your friggin' arm!)



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