SColbert The Most Elitist, Elitist

Day 1,930, 19:07 • Published in USA USA • by SColbert

Hello Nation,

Oh sorry you caught me in the middle of my ride with my Nobel Prize winning horse. Just one moment...

That's better now onto business. You might have heard about the elitist http://tinyurl.com/cvhefth contest, in which we are deciding who is the most elitist of our nation. I implore you to vote SColbert for the most elitist, elitist. Here is why.

Whenever any sort of contest occurs naturally I must win. It is very American to turn everything into some sort of contest. Just like at the space race! We beat those damn commies with our better space! Seeing as I am the most American, American, I am also the most competitive person in the world. You might ask “But Stephen just because you’re the most competitive person in the world doesn't mean you should win!” And to that I say, “yes it does, now shut up before I break your kneecaps with my elitist gang of smaller elite people, who are also elitists.”

I am what it means to be an elitist. Just the other day, while I was talking to my best friend Tupac, I was choosing our next CP (say hello to President Shane McCoy). After that I took my private jet to my elitist car wash to get cleaned in the best way possible, with the tears of orphans. I then went on a private safari, to hunt the most dangerous game around (and to the government officials reading, it definitely was not man). You see I epitomize (a word I know because I am elitist) elitism!

Finally seeing as I am the most elite elitist I can just rig the election anyway. With one word I choose who gets elected to what. That is why I demand you vote for me, unless you never want to see your favorite coffee blend again (oh my deviance, will I go to no lengths in order to get what I want?).