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Hello Nation,

I am asked quite frequently, by all types of people, “Why don’t you run for President already?” Well the answer is simple, “Stop asking me questions and mow my lawn dammit! I’m not paying you below minimum wage to jaber!”



The idea of running for CP has always fascinated me though. But if I were President for just a week there would be some changes.



First off many of my constituents often tell me that forums and IRC are the devil’s work and should be avoided at all costs. And of course I agree! The metagame takes away from the experience of how the actual game is meant to be played. We should strictly obey Plato’s guidelines of how to play the game. I mean look at how great a job he has done with the game so far. If Plato really intended us to use forums or IRC, I am sure he would have created the game with those things! And I for one do not see anything about these metagame tools in the “eRepublik Laws.”



My administration would viciously pursue those who dared to use such devices, and punish them to the furthest extent of the in game powers we have. Which I am sure are great and powerful!

Moving on primaries and Unity would be completely eliminated. My constituents will only be assuaged when all traces of the metagame are destroyed. Primaries serve no purpose but to keep people’s voice out of the political process. They also most oftenly take place outside of the game, and thus are poison. I am sure if there was some sort or real life equivalent of our primaries they would be eliminated too. I mean how could our government allow so few people to have hold over important decisions like choosing presidential candidates be left to a small group of people who could roughly fit in the state of, I don’t know, Iowa maybe? Plus these people would have to be some sort of political junkies (probably injecting themselves with hope and change in some back alley) who would go out of their way, and put in the effort and actual caring, to participate in such events. Elitist scum the lot of them!


Unity though is oppression in its greatest form and something I would get rid of immediately. Why should we ask people to give up certain freedoms, to protect others? What have “others” ever done for us? Also it is not like the AFA is a real threat. There haven’t been any AFA CPs, and we can thank game mechanics and good old freedom for that. Not some made up system that gives every major party’s endorsement to one candidate, thus stopping two or more popular candidates from running, and allowing an AFA candidate to win because the split vote. Try again Flufferist!



Naturally I could go on and on with my great ideas, but would that really be fair to you? Of course not. I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself. Now go look yourself in the mirror and say “SColbert is right, I am intelligent, good looking, and most importantly have a fierce attitude.” Now that’s the spirit! So now that you have heard my great ideas, I invite you to spread them. Also to the judges who are reading this, may I say that you look quite ravishing, I presume because I can’t actually see you (don’t look out your window, I’m definitely not there).

Thank you.