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Queen inspecting the troops

The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each
of her fighting forces.

She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on operations?

The squaddie says, "I'd reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!"

The matelot says, "I'd reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !"

The airman says, "I'd reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask

"Who the f*** has put a tent up in my hotel room?"



Army Voicemail

Thank you for calling the British Army. I’m sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Afghanistan. Marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.’


‘Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:’


‘If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.’

‘If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press ‘Hash’ for the Royal Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hrs, or at weekends.’

‘If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.’

‘If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.’

‘If you are in real, hot trouble please press 3, and your call will be routed to Sandline International.’



‘If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your ******** off daily, risking your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.’

‘Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.’



Sex in Afghanistan

A Captain in the Infantry was posted to a Afghanistan.

On his induction tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied around the back of the other ranks barracks.

He asked the Sergeant Major showing him around, what the camel was for.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well Sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant Major, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sergeant Major shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant Major, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well Sir, not really, they normally just use it to ride into town"!!