Join the new world

by editor Gar Squashnut

I’m here in conversation with Mr. Woldy, a long-time subscriber to BE-ATCH (or BE-ATCH bitch as we like to call them) and a dedicated fan of a hirsute labium superius oris.

I’d like to start with a quote from Monsieur Guy de Maupassant...

“In fact, a man without a moustache is no longer a man. I do not care much for a beard; it almost always makes a man look untidy. But a moustache, oh, a moustache is indispensable to a manly face. .. I have thought over the matter a great deal but hardly dare to write my thoughts. Words look so different on paper and the subject is so difficult, so delicate, so dangerous that it requires infinite skill to tackle it.”

And to take on such a dangerous subject we couldn’t ask for anyone more qualified than today’s guest. Veteran of many wars, editor of rival rag The People’s Gazette and style-setter to the masses, he sports a fine moustache; that invaluable piece of facial embellishment that, along with sharp outer-wear and an array of polished buttons, is the look of the moment. Welcome to the BE-ATCH offices Mr. Woldy.

MW: Thank you!

GS: Who or what inspired you to grow your first moustache?
MW: When I was a young child, I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of King George V whilst he was "relieving" himself in the woods. I believe this image, pushed onto me at such an early age is what spurred me to grow my first moustache when I was 7.


King George V (of Tonga)

GS: What makes a moustache indispensable?
MW: A moustache can never be a disadvantage in any situation: Stuck in the Antarctic? - got a face warmer; starving in the desert? - got a mini food store; I could go on, but I've got no more examples.


In case of an emergency black-out

GS: Can beards work?
MW: Only small ones. The minute a beard is more than an inch away from your face you've got yourself an air resistance problem. You also look like a fool.


This lady’s beard is clearly misplaced.

GS: Moustache do’s and don’ts?
MW: Well it’s essential to keep your moustache in shape. The minute it gets out of hand you begin to look like a homeless man who has stolen a suit.


Not a Q5 homeowner.

GS: Which moustachioed eCelebrities do you admire the most?
MW: After reading the BE-ATCH special on Horice P Fossil's crib, I have begun to see him as an idol for all facial hair growers, whether it be beards, moustaches or sideburns.


We think this blurry image might be a photo of Horice P Fossil and shadowukcs relaxing but we’re not completely sure.

GS: Francois Fotzelecker III is getting a lot of attention at the moment with his fine whiskers and pig anus fetish. Do you know him?
MW: I do not. But moustaches like his should be banned; it is my firm opinion that once you have to use a tub of gel to keep it in shape you have lost the true meaning behind having a moustache.

[img]http://www.fauteuil-barbier.com/oscommerce/images/pommade_hongroise_pp_so.JPG[/img]
Pommade Hongroise – a filthy foreign habit


The aftermath of a terrible Pommade accident.

GS: Is there anyone a moustache doesn’t suit?
MW: If you are addicted to cocaine, a moustache may trap your china white, rather than allowing it to be snorted. My advice to all you addicts; keep away from moustaches.


If wearing a fake be sure it doesn’t stick to your whisky tumbler at the club.

GS: How does wearing a moustache affect your work?
MW: Wearing a moustache guarantees you a promotion.


Feel the power...

GS: Does a moustache help you “fight smarter”?
MW: It does, mine has often given me advice during a war.


A proud member of the Romanian Navy Seals displays his medals.

GS: Can a moustache make you more virile?
MW: Yes, mainly because women don't get them. Well, most women anyway.


This macho motorcycle cops disproves the theory that a moustache can make you look gay.

GS: What about that tickly issue?
MW: If your moustache is tickling, simply cut it a bit shorter or slick it down with oil.


A tickly issue

GS: Mr. Woldy, words cannot express! Many thanks old chap for bringing us up to date with this vital, fashion-forward, dangerous and very personal topic!