History of TUP Family (don't let them tell you it isn't)

Day 1,922, 10:50 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Horice G Fossil


Good evening. Over the past few weeks my editorial abilities have been drawn into
question. There has been criticism of the quality, content and my choice of articles
published here in the Historic Times. With this in mind I have chosen to drop the
article I had planned to write and replace it with some hard hitting investigative
journalism. So tonight I'd like to talk to you about violence. The violence that is
rife in the current eUK political system. I refer to a reign of terror perpetrated by
the notoriously TUP Family, and it's leading members The 'EVIL' Keers, Dan Moir
and Talon Karrde (See photo bellow)

Tonight the Historic Times examines the rise to power of the evil TUP Family, the
methods they used to subjugate rival Parties and their subsequent tracking down
and capture by the brilliant Superintendent Invalidation 'Alice' Organs of Q Division.

"The 'EVIL' Keers, Dan and Talon were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling
Road, Southwark, the eldest in a family of sixteen. Their father Dishmcds, a scrap-metal
dealer and former CP, was well known to the police, and a devout Dionist. In January
1928 he had married Meghan, an up-and-coming Eastend boxer. Keers was born in
February 1929 and Dan and Talon two weeks later; and again a week after that. Their
next door neighbour was the notorious Belgium agent provocateur Mrs Shadowukcs."

I asked Mrs Shadowukcs "Was it a terribly violent area?"
"Oh ho......yes. Cheerful and violent. I remember Keers was very keen on boxing, until he
learned to walk, then he took up putting the boot in the groin. Oh he was very interested
in that. His mother had such trouble getting him to come in for his tea. He'd be out there
putting his little boot in, you know, bless him. You know kids were very different then.
They didn't have their heads filled with all this Cartesian dualism."

At the age of fifteen Keers, Dan and Talon started attending the Ernest Pythagoras
Primary School in Clerkenwell. I spoke with their old Teacher, Mr Hitler, "You taught
the 'Evil' Keers, Dan and Talon cookery. What do you remember most about them?"
At this point Mr Hitler began to cry and ran off screaming "Das Überleben muss
gestammen sein mit der schneaky 'ÜBEL' Keersund seine brüder....agggggghhhhhh!!"

When they left school they were called up but were found by an Army Board to be
too unstable even for Royal Guard. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in
the service of their country, they began to operate what they called 'The'. They
would select a victim and then threaten to beat them up if he joined the so-called
'The'. Four months later they started another operation which the called 'Unity'.
In this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat them up if he
didn't join them. One month later they hit upon 'Party'. In this the victim was
threatened that if he didn't join them, they would beat them up. This for the 'EVIL'
Keers gang was the turning point, and also the birth of The Unity Party (TUP).

The 'EVIL' Keers, Dan and Talon now used TUP to take over night clubs, billiard
halls, gaming casinos and race tracks. When they tried to take over the eUK they
were for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread however,
Superintendent Invalidation 'Alice' Organs and Q Division were keeping tabs on their
every move by reading the colour supplements. As I mentioned in my previous
article it was at this point that I first encountered the 'EVIL' Keers and his TUP
brothers...
'I was sitting at home, threatening the UKPP, when this tank drives up. One of Keer's TUP
boys gets out all nice and friendly like, and says Keers wants to have a talk with me. So,
he chains me to the back of the tank, and takes me for a scrape round to TUP HQ. Keers is
there in the conversation pit with Dan Moir, Talon Karrde the Baby Crusher, a couple of
global moderators and a fellow called Skibbler who just sits there, biting the heads off
whippets. And Keers says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy, Goku', and he splits my nostrils
open, saws my leg off and pulls my liver out. And I says, 'My name's not Goku', and then he
loses his temper and nails my head to the floor.'

I met up with another unfortunated citizen who had a run in with the 'EVIL' Keers
and his TUP family,
"Hello Nick Griffin, I've been told you also had your head nailed to the floor."
"No, no. Never, never. Theye were smashing blokes. They used to give their mother flowers
and that. They was like a brothers to me."
"But the police have film of Talon actually nailing your head to the floor."
"Oh yeah, well - he did that, yeah."
"Why?"
"Well he had to, didn't he? I mean, be fair, there was nothing else he could do. I mean, I had
transgressed the unwritten law."
"What had you done?"
"Er... Well he never told me that. But he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good
enough for me with old Talon. I mean, he didn't want to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist.
He wanted to let me off. There's nothing Talon and his brothers wouldn't do for you."
"And you don't bear him any grudge?"
"A grudge! Old Talon? He was a real darling."
"I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table.
Isn't that right Mrs Goku Jones?"

Mrs Goku Jones was too traumatised by a recent spate of poison pen letters to
comment. So I asked Nick about the incident...
"Yeah, well, they did do that. Yeah, yeah. They were a cruel men, but fair"
"Nick, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever see him again?"
"Yeah.....after that I used to go round his flat every Sunday lunchtime to apologize and
we'd shake hands and then he'd nail my head to the floor"
"Every Sunday?"
"Yeah but he was very reasonable about it. I mean one Sunday when my parents were coming
round for tea, I asked them if they'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week
and they agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand."
Clearly TUP family inspired tremendous loyalty and terror amongst their business associates,
but what were they really like? To find out I spoke with ex-CP and ex-lover Ms Sara Droz

"I walked out with Keers and his brothers on many occasions and found them a most charming
and erudite companions. They was wont to introduce one to eminent persons, celebrated
ex-American CPs, members of the eUK aristocracy and other gang..err..I mean party leaders."
"How had they met them?"
"Through thier work for charity. They took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes,
Choristers' Associations, Scouting Jamborees and of course the Household Cavalry."
"Was there anything unusual about them?"
"I should say not. They were all perfectly normal people in every way. Except is as much
as they were convinced that they were being watched by a giant hedgehog whom they referred
to as Spiny Norman."
"How big was Norman supposed to be?"
"Normally he was wont to be about twelve feet from nose to tail, but when either Keers,
Dan or Talon was very depressed Norman could be anything up to eight hundred yards long.
When Norman was about, they would go very quiet and Talon's nose would swell up and his
teeth would start moving about and they'd all become very violent and claim that they'd
laid Diakun. They was all gentleman. And what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator."
To try and get into the minds of the 'EVIL' Keers, Dan and Talon I spoke with an expert...

"It is easy for us to judge them too harshly. After all they only did what many of us
simply dream of doing. After all a murderer is only an extroverted suicide. The boys
were clinically malevolent, but they were happily clinically malevolent. Lucky bastards."

Most of the strange tales about the TUP family concern the 'EVIL' Keers and Talon,
but what about Dan Moir? One man who met him was Connor Mawn.
"Well, I had been running a successful party for a few months - high class, no really, high class,
no girls - we didn't have any of that. That was right out. And I decided. Anyway I decided then to open
a high-class party clubhouse, on the forum, for the members with International cuisine, cooking,
topline-acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts, that was right out, I deny that completely,
and one night Dan Moir walked in with a couple of big lads, one of whom was carrying a fecking great
ban-hammer. They said I'd bought one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it."
"How much did they want?"
"Three quarters of a million in gold. Then they went out."
"Why didn't you call the forum police?"
"Well I had noticed that the lad with the enormous ban-hammer was the Chief Constable for
the area, Frerk I think his name was. Anyway a week later they came back, said that the cheque had
bounced and that I had to see Dan.
"Dan?"
"Dan, I was terrified of him. Everyone was terrified of Dan. I've seen grown men pull their own
heads off rather than see Dan. Even Keers was frightened of Dan."
"What did he do?"
"He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire."

By a combination of violence and sarcasm, the TUP Family by February 1966 controlled
London and the South East. In February, though, they made their first mistake.

Ms Sara Droz continues the strory...
"Latterly the family had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. They had
come to the conclusion that Norman slept in Bob Boblos house on the eUK forums.
And so on February 22nd 1966, all of a sudden Bob Boblos House...

...Even Frerk and his forum police began to sit up and take notice of TUP Families shenanigans."

Superintendent Invalidation 'Alice' Organs takes up the story...
"TUP Family realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding
and I decided on a subtle approach, viz some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a
bit of a giveaway. Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a
bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret.
Hearing they'd gone back to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats.
On my arrival in London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff, I followed as Gloucester
from 'King Lear'. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew,
returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in 'Toad of Toad Hall'. Back in Cardiff, I relived
my triumph as Sancho Panza in 'Man of la Mancha' which the 'Bristol Evening Post' described
as 'a glittering performance of rare perception', although the 'Bath Chronicle' was less than
enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning."

Superintendent Invalidation 'Alice' Organs, and Q Division managed finally to capture all
members of TUP Family. Unfortunately they managed to escape and as we all know soon
after the 'EVIL' Keers ran off to hide in Sweden, Dan and Talon swapped names with each
other and have been lying low ever since. That was until last month, when as the Historic
Times exclusively reported, 'HE'S BACK!"

Horice