Exclusive: Sweden And Spain Will Leave EDEN With Poland

Day 1,147, 17:13 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 12
"Canada or GTFO" ~Loyal Americans


Premier Haliman Steps Down
Having taken the Presidency, President Haliman will not run for re-election in the United States Workers Party Presidential campaign, meaning that he will be giving up the most powerful position in America. It's an incredible shift for the man who not only achieved a massive plurality of seats, but who also used it to hold the leadership team in the Senate and it eventually secured him the Presidency.


(Whoever succeeds Mr. Haliman will get this picture, although it may be changed if it's a lady)

Mr. Haliman will instead focus on the running of America, his new realm. Already, Mr. Haliman's cabinet is being criticized. For instance, The Fieldist considers Secretary of the Interior Justin McCravok's oversight of the Fun Department (under the directorship of Fieldist Editor-In-Chief) has been iron-handed, to say the least. Said an anonymous source extreme close to the Fun Director, "McCrabby won't even approve money to throw pies at anyone, or even allow us to use old banana peels to make people slip. Worst of all, I have to submit proposals!"


Congress Discusses Gov't-Funded Commune Pricing
Leroy Combs (USW-RI) has opened debate on the undercutting of market prices by government subsidized companies, such as those communes run by the military or any of America's organized militias. Mr. Combs immediately denounced such actions, claiming "these scalawags have seriously damaged the free-market principles that make America the greatest nation on earth! They must be stopped and crushed like flies! The government must not meddle with the invisible hand of the market!"


(Mr. Combs, seen here defending American corporate enterprise, with a vengeance)

Militia leader and senator Talio Extremist (F-UT) countered that his militia very much took into account current pricing and attempted to prevent underselling of private enterprise. National Economic Council member Pearlswine, called before Congress to testify, said, "the problem lies not with interference in the market, but with the general stupidity of the general managers of these subsidized companies." The Fieldist suggests that stupidity be outlawed.


A Fieldist Exclusive: Sweden, Spain and Poland To Abandon EDEN
According to a real anonymous source within EDEN, the EDEN powers of Spain, Sweden, and Poland will all be leaving the alliance. Poland has notably joined with Hungary, and Spain publicized its joining in this move by also signing a mutual protection pact with Hungary. Sweden has not yet publicly announced, but the Swedish Minister of Foreign Affairs is Polish and is friends with Polish hero Cerber.


(Need I say more?)

The anonymous source, who refused to be named due to being an anonymous source, also said that this might hail a possibility of war against the United States, as this new Spanish-Polish-Hungarian-Swedish bloc would border America. Observers were worried, but not particularly shocked. "To be honest," said the anonymous source, "the whole alliance structure has been crumbling since the Brazil-US Pact threw a monkey wrench in the whole machine." An EDEN spokesperson was more candid, "it's [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]! [expletive] Hungary!"


Invading Canada Is The Right Thing To Do
I spent a whole issue describing why we should invade Canada, and I think people on the whole agree, though some people couldn't tell me why shouldn't and resorted to snide comments; looking at you Luthengard and Bezaban! Traitors. Anyways, I still thinking invading Canada is the right thing. But I'll give three more reasons.

1. Democracy. Canada's always had a shaky relationship with democracy, ever since the British crown let them play with it way back when. I mean, this is a country which still recognizes the British monarchy. In America, the government is for the people, of the people, by the people, meaning we can ignore the people in the exact same way the Brits ignore the crown. We need to bring that philosophy to Canada. It's the American way.

2. Free Quebec. The Quebecois hate the Anglo-Canadians. Or so I believe. Reality really doesn't enter into it. So basically, what we should do is conquer Canada and then liberate Quebec. The Quebecois can keep it and speak French there, and we and the Anglo-Canadians can get along.

3. Deer. This is the most important one. War in deer regions would really help the US create a much stronger soldier. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this. Let's fight where there are deer, because deer matter right now. Also, we must protect the reindeer. Canadians ate Rudolph already, I heard...

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