Dr. Schauman or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Marmosets!

Day 1,142, 17:26 • Published in Romania Finland • by Erwin Schauman


To the desk of President Butnaru
The Presidential Toilet
Romania, Bucharest

Confidential! Unauthorized reading will be punished by suffocation by an avalanche of Marmosets!



Dear President Butnaru,

It has come to my attention that your future administration is looking for a tall, handsome and gifted man to take over the challenging tasks of the Minister of Marmoset Affairs. Since no person with such qualities has yet applied for the job, I'd like to cordially put my own name forward.

As a proof of my abilities to carry out the tasks set by the government to the Ministry of Marmoset Affairs, I have compiled a list of suggestion that will greatly enhance our relations with the mighty Marmoset Khanate!


Marmoset Khanate, the inheritors of the Graylonian Empire

After the long and bloody coup committed by the Marmoset rebels to overthrow the corrupt Graylonian regime, culminating in the eventual and utter extermination of all Graylonians, the new Marmoset Khanate has surfaced as the most prominent and powerful nation in the World. Even after their recent region losses to Macedonia, Montenegro, Taiwan and others, they still remain the single most largest country in existence, as their empire spans across all continents and covers 40% of the globe.

As such, retaining good relations with these deceptively hugable little creatures is absolutely imperative for the well-being of Romania, or indeed any country. Marmosets, although generally dormant pacifists with scratchable bellies and tiny twitchy noses, are known to be capable of massing huge, furry armies that are a major threat to all people suffering from asthma or other respiratory diseases!

The sheer overdose of cuteness they inject in the brains of their victims makes even the most stalwart soldier beg to hold one in his arms and go: ”Oooo, who's a gooood little Marmoset? Who? You are!”, while making incomprehensible, childish noises. Needless to say, there's no return from this state.


Imma iz a gud boi!

In the case that the Ministry seat is handed to me, I'll make sure that this wont occur. Too much, anyway...

First, I suggest we immediately start coming up with plans to seize all banana resources in the Free World. The only thing that can stop a stampeding Marmoset is a loaded banana. Even a child knows that. Should we acquire the monopoly in banana industry, we could effectively keep the Marmoset hordes from launching an offensive against Romania, while possibly luring them to attack our enemies. It's unknown how long this form of bribery will work, but we can't afford to let our enemies to attempt the same against us!



Did somewun says 'bananananas'..?

Second, all Romanian citizens, regardless of age or gender, must immediately adopt a Marmoset of their own, and treat them well. This sends the message to the Marmoset Supreme Council of Cuteness that we are not a threat to them. Citizens should be warned that any violence towards our new overlords... I mean, pets... can cause the Khanate to lose their trust on us. The psychic mental link between all Marmosets immediately relays any act of hostility to the entire Marmoset population, possibly resulting in the end of all human civilization!


Dis slave pleasus meh grately!



Third, ???




Fourth, profit!





I iz Impreshuv'd of dese plans!!



Hopefully you make the right decision and pick me for the job, Mr. President. God help us all if you don't.

Also, I know about you, your secretary trainee and the cigar. Just saying. Wink-wink, notch-notch!

-Erwin Schauman