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The Fieldist Volume I, Issue 3
The News Pancho Villa Doesn't Want You To Know!

The Fieldist Nails It!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we may not have had the correct details about how it would begin, but clearly the secret plans about invading Mexico the Fieldist published merely two days ago have been verified, by a declaration of war declared by our glorious president Uncle Sam. For those who doubted our veracity and sincerity, I hold this aloft as proof.

We at the Fieldist look forward to the purges of American traitors as recommended in our previous article.

Operation Illegal Immigration A Go
Congress is currently passing a bill authored by the President to declare war on Mexico. Official broadcasts as to the reasons for this war say that Polish agitators have taken control of Mexico, sending the country onto our enemies' list. However, while this satisfies the gullible masses, the Fieldist would never insult our readers' intelligence with such a ridiculous idea.

An insider in the CIA, who refused to give his name to protect his identity, confirmed our suspicions that something else was going on. "America isn't in the business of beating up on Poles," said the agent, who has a mole on his left cheek, "the real reason is that we've determined that Mexico is currently sending sleeper agents into the United States to attempt to coup us. This can only be explained by the fact that a large percentage of their country is currently asleep. Our best policy is to take over their country first, and incorporate them, that way, if they coup us, they'll really be just establishing control of the government by Americans. Either way, America will be victorious once Mexico is America."

The agent, who refused to show us the tattoo of a mermaid on his right buttock even though we asked really nicely, continued, "the government has determined that the best policy is to keep your friends close (see Romania), but keep your enemies closer. Our best choice is to eliminate Mexico, so Mexico is America."

However, a First Sergeant in the US National Guard disputed such details. "Operation Illegal Immigration is to gain access to Mexico's vast tequila resources, which American tequila products have been unable to compete with. Also, the incorporation of experienced kidnappers will no doubt help train our own CIA in kidnapping."

He added, "also, we're going to spray paint a lot of their buildings with 'America Roxx' so they can read that every time they come home from working at their underpaid jobs." He then laughed maniacally, even though we discovered he works at a construction job for 1 USD per day. We extrapolate that

The Fieldist has an opinion on the matter: Mexico must be incorporated into the country, failure to do so would be an extreme mistake on the part of the government. The Western Hemisphere is the dominion of the United States of America, we quote a plucky young man by the moniker of J. Monroe, who once declared with much bombast, "The American continents ... are henceforth not to be considered as subjects for future colonization by any European powers." Even though we don't believe that Poland is the only reason the country will rattle Mexico to the core, it provides a good incentive. However, if the USA seriously wants to be considered the "United States of America" we will unite all the Americas under one nation. It is prerogative of this nation to do so, we shall not stand back for any reason.

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The Fieldist was recently snubbed by Mr. Jewitt for being considered for a position in his administration's proposed Department of Fun. We ask for your support in the coming days to launch the Fieldist into the running as a part of the Department of Fun. Naturally, we are quite serious in our approach to Fun, and we assure you that we will bring you the most effective and cost-efficient fun possible.