10 Downing Street
A day in the life of Prime Minister WookieO…
A greyish light slithered through the shuttered windows of Number 10 Downing Street, as the hairy behemoth stirred beneath the large duvet.
Apparently it was morning; but it didn’t feel that way to WookieO, newly elected CP of the eUK and 2004’s winner of eTibetan Pop Idol. Wook yawned loudly, stretched his gloriously hirsute arms and forced himself out of bed.
After a very satisfying trip to the bathroom, he settled down to read some of the latest correspondence.
“The eAustralian CP wants to do what with me?” the furry figure muttered to himself, “Dr Hugh has got them all on heat down under it seems...oh dear Lord...and the eLatvian MoFA wants me to stick a potato, where??!!??”
Wook threw down the pile of papers in disgust and headed to the window to gaze out on a drizzly London. Time to fight some Belgians, he thought, nothing better to do today.
After gulping down some tea and a slice of toast and marmalade, he threw on his rather ill-fitting suit and wandered downstairs to meet with his cabinet.
Inside the conference room, vice-Country President ChewChewShoe was loudly telling a joke about a blonde woman, a retired vicar and a giraffe. The punchline was so graphic that the maid serving the tea blushed like a beetroot and scampered from the room! Chewie guffawed and the rest of the team chuckled before noticing the PM had entered and quickly shut up.
“Right chaps,” WookieO began, a determined look on his face, “I know it’s early, the weather is awful and vCP Butjam still has a traffic cone on his head from the cabinet ‘night out’ yesterday.”
Butjam looks older than he actually is...
“But that doesn’t mean we have to get lazy! We’re made of sterner stuff. We’re British and that means we’ll drink our tea, eat our Weetabix and then we’ll go out there and fight!
“Yes, those eBelgians have got a shield, but think of the fun we can have knocking it apart! Errrrmmmm, yes mwcerberus?”
A smallish bloke with wild crazy eyes and a slight facial tic stood up and cleared his throat,
“I’m not entirely sure TWO HQ will be pleased with this, sir. They have priorities elsewhere I believe. We don’t want to piss them off too much...they might get upset!”
“This conflict was approved by TWO HQ before my term started, right?” Wook looked around, as some of the faces looked slightly confused and others nodded profusely, “Well then, we’ll continue it for larks until we get bored. Sound fine FragUK?”
A broad shouldered lad with the look of a rugby player about him, rose from his chair and looked Wook in the eye as he said;
“We’re the eUK sir. We love TWO and TWO loves us. We’ll fight for them come Hell or high water. However...this is our fight and by golly we’re going to whip those eBelgians to shreds! Tally ho!!!”
FragUK on his day off...
And with a battle shriek that made the Minister of Health, Dr Kawishiwi, cringe at the noise, FragUK drew a ceremonial sword from an inside pocket and waving it aloft, ran out of the door in the rough direction of Flanders.
After dismissing most of his cabinet to their departmental duties, WookieO sat himself down with Rfeist, one of his Ministers of Foreign Affairs.
“Where’s Bohemond4?” Wook asked, “He knows we’ve got a meeting this morning, doesn’t he?”
Rfeist looked down at his notepad and mumbled something very quietly.
“I beg your pardon?” barked the PM, his face clearly getting redder and redder even under all that fur. ”What did you say?”
“I said, he’s asleep, sir!” Rfeist declared, waiting for the expected slap from his boss, which surprisingly never came... “You remember he’s going through that thing?” the MoFA continued, confidence returning to his voice, “We’re getting him professional help...but he still believes he lives on the other side of the eWorld. It’s really rather odd. The doctors say they’ve never seen anything like it actually!”
Boh was seeking help...
WookieO groaned and was just about to continue his Foreign Affairs briefing when a flustered secretary flew through the door and stammered:
“S..s..s..s..sorry, s..s..sir! I thought you’d like to know...there’s a couple of shifty looking geezers at the front door, demanding an audience with you! They’ve got toothbrushes with them, sir!” she gasped, “And….they say, they’re not afraid to use them!!”
“Bleedin’ Royal Army Dental Corps!” Wook screamed, making Dr Kawishiwi, who had not yet made it out of the room, jump and drop the armful of cheese sandwiches he was carrying.
“Right, I’d best go and talk to them.” the PM said firmly, “Tell them to meet me in the drawing room and send us some of those sandwiches!” he ordered the frightened secretary, before storming from the room.
Many hours later, as the sun was setting, a rather bedraggled WookieO stumbled out of the drawing room of Number 10, a can of Red Stripe clutched in his right paw. Behind him, giggling like a pair of schoolgirls, Chaz and Wayne could clearly be seen making a pyramid with empty beer cans, whilst Rancid played loudly on the official prime ministerial stereo.
As Wook struggled to stand up, he noticed a figure looking him up and down. He was wearing a Union Jack shirt and had a pickaxe slung over his shoulder. Of course, it was FightAndProduce, one of his Ministers of Home Affairs. He’d missed their meeting. FaP looked angry.
FightAndProduce had aged whilst waiting for WookieO…
WookieO did the only thing he could in that situation.
He cried, “It was Chaz and Wayne’s fault!! They’re in there!” pointed at the room behind him, then legged it up the stairs to his bedroom, taking one last slug of beer from his depleted can, before collapsing fully dressed on to his bed and passing out. A few moments later the member of the security team posted to the upstairs landing could hear a loud, rumbling snore emanating from the bedroom.
”A day in the life of Prime Minister WookieO" was taken from the official Wook Memoirs to be released next month in all good book shops.
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