Join the new world

MANDATORY PATRIOTIC MOOD SETTING INTRO MUSIC GOES HERE.



The Pep

My fellow patriots, bots, and PTOers. Well, it's once again that time of the month again! As the second Tuesday of the month once again draws close, it is once again time... to once again elect our president.

Now, I understand that the hour is late to announce my candidacy, considering the election takes place tomorrow. With how simple and easy it is to whore yourself out for attention in our diminished media these days, along with the new custom of the first candidate posting their intent to run as hot on the heels of the Congressional elections as possible and then having all other legitimate candidates post as soon as possible after the first candidate has posted, my tardiness in announcing will probably be viewed by pundits with perhaps more than a smidgen of disdain.

But it should not!

As someone of esteemed age, these youthful hopefuls are nothing but bluff and bluster.

Our country does not need the rash man, listening contentedly to his Zune while riding a Segway and sipping New Coke, loudly espousing the game-changing virtues of 3D movie technology and arguing how James Cameron's original cinematic masterpiece Avatar would've won the Oscar had it been on HD DVD! We are in rash times, full of rash people. And we do not need such things in our lives.

Because we are all out of ointment.

We need the cautious man, Emericka. And that man is me. Since others announcements, I've sat patiently in the shadows, lurking, looking, loving each moment as it tenderly passes by, knowing that by the end? Victory would nearly be assured.

Citizens. This day is for change, for today I formally announce my candidacy for the office of Presidents of the United States (online edition).





The Promises
I'm running on an old school platform, ladies and gentleman.


Warmer...


Warmer...


Disco.

And as such, I'm partial to lists. Short lists, long lists, Cracked.com. Doesn't matter. I take my pills in list form, everybody, and I expect my new Emericka to do the same. As such, most people don't believe in the solemn power of the list. Most people talk about campaign promises with as much sincerity as they would discuss their prospects of getting with early 1990's rap sensation heartthrob Marky Mark.


Ladies.

So I want to make it very clear: everything I state here is the honest to Dio truth. If I am elected for ePresident this October, I promise on the grave of my own father's son that I. Will. Do. It.

1. Invade Canada, Sweden, and Spain simultaneously at the same time. Best defense is a good offense, and this one'll be great. It's called diverting attention from the pain. You know how when you twisted your ankle at the roller rink and your friend said they could help ease the pain, and you said yes, and then they punched you in the face and your ankle suddenly didn't hurt as much any more? That right there's the golden ticket. I have been assured by the greatest strategic minds in modern day warfare that 60% of the time it works every time. Sun Tzu'll be proud of us, Muricans, as well as our giant fighting robots.



Dos) Note the inclusion of the Spanish way to write the number 2. It's crucial to understanding this next point, as it helps with the proceeding promise. Whilst our valiant soldiers literally kill themselves fighting against our opponents abroad (ie they go out and fight in real life [didn't see that one coming, didja ya dirty Canucks?]), our women and children at home will be madly copulating with the only people on earth who could ever hope to repopulate our online player base in time: Mexicans. With all of our generous Mexican players south of the border taking over our Emerickan congressional seats, companies, and various other elected and non-elected positions, that will leave the rest of us free to take the charge to the front lines of our tri-war combat zone. Say arrivederci to aaaallllll our domestic problems, and Guten Morgen to those hard-working Chicano nationalists.



And C: Strippers.


Gentlemen.



The People
I am only but one man, Emericka. The cloning failed. I'm sorry. I tried. In my defense, they were ugly. But seeing as the office of President is a lonely, singular task meant for people with far too much time on their little insomnia laden hands, and seeing as there are many more meaningless things in life that totally don't matter more than being the chief legislator and commander of a fake online game that doesn't mean anything in the long run, I will devote every hour I have to this job. 24/7/365/Until the F*cking Sun Explodes and Kills Our Crab People Ancestors.

But, seeing as something might happen to me unexpectedly and account sharing in this game is totally alright, I have chosen not one, but two people to be my Vice President.

I realize that this breaks my traditionalist platforms, and that there is no precedence for such a thing. But radical times call for radical change. We can't all just sit around expecting the future to invent itself! The past is passed and past, and the future is now and tomorrow. And yesterday!

So, without further ado, I present my two running mates:


LIGTREB AND LIGTREB!!!

While my own clones may have horrifically escaped their own containment modules and wrecked a Lovecraftian havoc not seen since the likes of the plot of Remember Me, the study of my failures did bring about new insight and research. In the ensuing year, I was able to find, extract the DNA of, and successfully clone this game's greatest Vice President. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, ligtreb will once again be stepping into the semi-limelight to make sure that this country does pretty good again.

And if he dies?

Don't worry.


We've got more...



Stay tuned next time, when I announce the application to be a member of my cabinet and then completely disregard it in favor of begging the people I really want for each position to take the job!

And don't forget the time after that, where I make more jokes that date me and discuss at length just how out of touch with foreign affairs, economic concerns, and how to govern in general I am.

The meaningless IRC interview/debate between whatever opponents I may have held by some old fogy pretending to be useful along with some young newcomer who thinks that stuff actually will get them recognized as new talent will occur at some inconvenient hour of the day. Check your local shoutfeed for the name of the person shouting the time and IRC room and promptly unfriend them.

And if you've somehow read through all of this and been deluded into thinking that this was anything serious or that I had a problem with the date of the election or anything, talk your out from the front of your sweatpants, stop beginning to type a comment in the comments section with your free hand, unplug your laptop, go take a shower, get dressed, find someone you love, tell them you love them, never let them go, and never come back, you filthy, worthless, capitalist-enabling plebeian.