Join the new world

This article is fictional and its only goal is to be funny. Please don't feel offended if you don't agree with some comparisons or, worse, if you don't appear in this story. This doesn't mean i don't give a shit about you.
Maybe.

Lost in space, among billions of lonely stars and forgotten worlds, lies the jewel of the universe. A wasteland, a world of dirt and sand, like the abandoned playground of an ancient newborn God. A dusty planet, holding the most valuable resource man ever knew: GOLD.

Without GOLD, no commerce. Without GOLD, no fuel for gigantic starships, no space-bending to travel faster than light, no mental super-powers. Without GOLD... there can be no civilization. Who controls GOLD, controls our destiny.

Scientists from all over the universe tried to understand the process of GOLD-making. Local lifeforms seem to be involved, giant worms with foul breath crawling through sand, especially in their immature state; a violent debate still runs to name this "child" creature: some call it "sandtrout", but everyone who had the chance to look at it closely just call it a "bug". So, GOLD is mainly created thanks to bugs.

Such a special and unique planet obviously lured scavengers and greedy people. It would be a real pain to name them all, honestly, so we'll stick to a brief description of the main actors of the conflict - because, yes, all this ended in a war, naturally. What did you expect from humans, eh ?


The big guys, the strong ones, the first real army who tried to settle on this planet, are the Harkonnen. Evil, wicked brutes, they are. No offense intended. They're under the rule of Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, a man driven insane by an insidious illness inoculated by a Reverend Mother (we'll talk about those witches later).


He was still young and healthy here, but the sickness had begun, look at his lemon-face - i bet his bottocks were already fat then. Soon he'd weigh 300kg and move with an aeropropulsor.

The Baron has two nephews. Rabban, aka "the Beast", is... evil, yeah, but stupid, too. Likely to burn people with a flamethrower just for fun, and his hand by the same occasion. He likes to suffer.


Look at him... I'd bet he's preparing another failed Trash-Orgy.

The other nephew is much more clever. He likes to give pain, too, but he's tricky. The Baron loves him like a son, which means he's ready to kill him as soon as he'll try to take the power. His name is Feyd-Rautha.


Lean, strong, deadly fast, and almost brilliant. Too bad he likes to be such a devil.

Those guys wouldn't be much to care about without their batallions of over-trained, drugged, mind-controlled soldiers.


Here's a trooper from the Harkonnen elite forces. Look at how he looks exactly like any other. Yeah, you're right: they definitely look like clones. Personal advice: don't cross them on a battlefield. They know no mercy.

The Baron's trickiest tactics come from his twisted, wicked mentat: Peter DeVries.


They've put an apple in front of his head because he gives nightmares to little children.


The eternal foes of the Harkonnens are the Atreides. This dynasty has a long past of loyalty, honour and harsh times. Yeah, when you try to be the good guy, you get beaten up all the time.

They live on a heavenly oceanic planet, well, not in the water of course, but on thousands of little islands, and they like dancing the java. They laugh a lot, a funny laugh sounding like "wkwkwkwk".

The Atreides have a charismatic leader, the Duke Leto, a severe and patient man, who looks like...


Uh, well, he doesn't smile often, but here he does. And, uh, he forgot to shave. Ow... I hope my assistant didn't mess up with the portraits. Sigh.

The Duke Leto is a happy man, whatever misery life can bring him, because he's married to a very beautiful woman, a Reverend Mother: Jessica.


She's so sexy without her lust-killing grey gown, eh ?

The Atreides have built friendships with a lot of talentuous people, winning their loyalty with their bravery and honesty.


Duncan Idaho charging an opponent with his krys.

Gurney Halleck in his youth, before enduring the Harkonnen's atrocities on Giedi Prime

Thufir Hawat, the Duke's personal mentat, lips redden with sapho.

Many of their soldiers are homeless refugees, wearing a tri-colored flag: red for the blood they spilled fighting the Harkonnen, white for the purity of their ideals, and green for hope, hope to find their homeland back and free it from Harkonnen tyrany.


So... Harkonnen and Atreides fight over a dusty planet. But it's much more complicated, you know - life is never simple. Both sides have links with other factions. Harkonnen try to tighten their links with the filthy Tleilaxu, masters of DNA, able to breed legions of facedancers from their secret axlotl tanks... Those facedancers infiltrate the most secure circles of power to bend events to their will.


The most (in)famous Tleilaxu facedancer: Scytale.

Tleilaxu are said to work on a very special project, involving their so-handy axlotl tanks to produce... GOLD. This would definitely break the universe's balance if such a thing could happen.

Two houses are also known for their technological skills: while Vernius allied with Atreides and paid a high price fighting with the Tleilaxu, Richese brought its knowledge of thinking machines to the Harkonnen, giving them access to insane numbers of non-human fighters.


Rhombur Vernius after being crippled by the Tleilaxu.

Ilban Richese, Count of Richese, also called "bot-master".

The worst enemies of the Tleilaxu fight side-by-side with the Atreides most of the time: the Reverend Mothers of the Bene Gesserit. They have reached such a level of self-control that they are the first women ever to resist to the urge of shopping. They really kick ass.


Reverend Mother Mohiam. Her skills at disrupting Trash-Orgys are impressive, really.

All these weird people fight under the keen eyes of the Emperor, Shaddam IV, the Corrino ruler of the galaxy (at least officially).


Shaddam IV doing what he does best: having fun.

Being Emperor is not an easy job: everyone wants your throne, or tries to bend your will to their guise. Luckily for him, Shaddam IV had (a few) loyal friends, like Count Hasimir Fenring.


Fenring trying to enjoy kayaking on Salusa Secundus after the Corrino's fall.

A high-ranked Sardaukar leader. How frightening he looks ! Brrr.

Last but not least, the major trump cared in Atreides' deck: the Fremen. Long-lost Zensunni followers who learnt to live on the hostile sand planet, these rough, old-school fighters handle Q1-kryss better than anyone. Their eyes are blue, with a little touch of white and red, because you know, they have blood flowing in their veins, too.


Stilgar, Fremen leader form the Sietch Tabr, and his beloved furry puppet. Don't ask me how a furry can live in an overheated desert, okay ?

There's also a rumour about a lonesome prophet roaming in the desert, preaching apocalypse and golden path and lots of weird things...


Ok, you've read every holy book that ever existed and never heard about a prophet wearing sunglasses. Fuck off, you must understand that they often hide part of the truth. Don't trust everything religions say.


Here we are. The Emperor claims to be neutral, watching Harkonnen and Atreides weaken themselves in bloodbathes, but some people suspect him of secretely shifting the balance with the help of his Sardaukars. But noone would dare to say it loud.

The game has begun, first shots have been fired, nations will fall... And rivers of blood will soak and dry in the sand.