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Congress. That elusive monstrosity that defies our expectations and often disgusts us. They hide behind forum access levels and pseudo-facades in order to hide the truth from everyone around them.

But not anymore.

Its time to blow the lid off of Congress and expose these creeps for what they really are! The following may shock you. It may disgust you. It may even make you wish that you had been born blind and been spared reading this. The truth often hurts...so put on your helmet, take a deep breath and prepare to follow me where no sane man, woman, or glados should dare to go:



In a series of articles, I intend to expose this dangerous cabal of PHOENIX spies, oligarchical party presidents, anti-war peaceniks, baby-killers, capitalist pigs, and lazy procrastinators in all their inglorious imperfections. These dangerous criminals need to have the light shined on their nefarious acts! When the flashlight of public scrutiny is turned on, watch them all scurry for cover under the Congressional fridge!

Today, I shall start off by showing exposing the long and sordid history of the cabal king, the one jokingly called the 'Speaker of the House.'

The Speaker of the House, or the 'SoH,' leads this corrupt organization of Congress. He is an elusive and mysterious person, painstakingly selected in utter secrecy by the leaders of the Congressional cabal in an 'election.' Rumor has it that this picture of a former Speaker (Rheinlander von Phalz) was taken shortly before Congressional leadership attacked the photographer in a bloody murder...



As you can undoubtedly see, this beast is a dangerous one, undoubtedly feasting on the bodies of the lesser Congressmen to sate his monstrous appetite. But now I shall list for you the names and the crimes past Speakers have committed so that they may be hunted down and made to pay for their actions...I give you, the complete eUSA Speaker of the House history (part 1 of ???)!



The creation of this cabal-running position was a mysterious individual known only as proggypop. He spearheaded the campaign, and subsequently used his influence to seize the reigns of power for a full month as the first ever (and hearby termed 'Number 0') Speaker. Sadly, many of the reasons for this shall remain forever shrouded in mystery, as one of his successors managed to succeed in assassinating proggy in order to silence him forever.

However, due to my expert reconstruction techniques, we can make certain assumptions about what happened during this time period. As the first Speaker, proggy immediately consolidated his power by collaborating with a group of 'forum admins' to reconstruct the Congressional portions of the national forums. When the Congressmen he oversaw arrived for duty, proggypop laid down his iron-fisted laws and constrained them forever in a web of red taped-death traps. Rumor has it several Congressmen never made it out alive...our prayers go out to them and their loved ones.

He created radical and sweeping changes in Congressional functions, paving the way for future Speaker's to enact powers over the forums and providing a basis for the Speaker's role in helping set many of the procedural rules used by Congress. Scary how one man can subjugate entire future generations of Congress members with the stroke of a keyboard, isn't it? To this day, the shadow of proggypop looms over Congress and his will to rule lives on in his successors.

The first person to follow in proggypop's foot-steps was an individual known only as 'kyle321n.' Judging from his name, it's readily apparent what kind of shady character he is. I mean, he's got a countdown, so we can only assume that the 'n' has something to do with an explosion. Also, this man is a dangerous graduate of Fordham University

Shortly after the February 2009 election, kyle entered a three-way race for the Speakership and ultimately won out over competitors Tiacha and One Eye. As an eye witness, I can assure you, his methods were not entirely legal.


An example of a typical kyle321n tactic.

Having a brilliant mind capable of spotting needs to enact further control over Congress, kyle instituted two very large reforms during his two-month term as Speaker. First, he appointed the first ever Deputy Speaker of the House (one Claire Littleton) for the purpose of creating and administering numerous forms for Congressmen to fill out in order to 'inform the public' of their voting records. In reality, these forms are believed to have served as a means of befuddling Senators in order to make them more malleable to kyle's whims.

Additionally, kyle321n oversaw the creation of the original committee system, consisting of 4 committees: Budget, Infrastructure, Government Oversight, and Military. Of course, this allowed him to give some of his subordinates a modicum of power over their fellows in the guise of 'committee chairmanships.'


This is an accurate portrayal of how committees function

The institution of committees did produce several unexpected side-effects that kyle was undoubtedly concerned about, as he left Congress not long after the end of his term in the Speakership. Among these side-effects was the first ever eUS budget, the institution of the PANEC tax plan, the creation of the Congressional Budget Office, and the eventual impeachment of then President Uncle Sam-- following the disastrous handling of Operation Taco Bell, the revelation of a disturbing lack of Executive disclosure, and a lack of cooperation between Sam and everyone else in existence.

Following Kyle's temporary departure from the political scene, the cabal turned to a relatively new member of Congress as a perfect stooge for its continuing domination of the legislature.



That's right, ladies and gents. The author of this article is in-fact a full-fledged member of the secret cabal ruling this nation. Note that I have not directly identified any of the ruling members of the cabal; nor have I stated what their goals are. Were I to do so, its very likely I'd be sleeping with the fishes right now.

Of course, I will tell you that I helped reaffirm their control of Congress during my tenure as Speaker. Under me, I went farther than the first two Speakers by creating the position of Congressional Whip. As if having absolute domination of the forums wasn't enough, I extended my tyranny into the mailboxes of Congressmen, forcing them to discuss bills, vote on laws, and do the work required by those horrible committee chairs. Indeed, the first Whip, Clammy Jim, was well-known for his participating in fun games that involved kicking other Congressmen from IRC channels.

However, perhaps the greatest stroke performed by the cabal was the implementation of the 'Public Disclosure Act,' which gave the appearance of providing normal citizens a chance to see exactly what Congress does by disclosing all non-sensitive discussions. Of course, we all know it was really just a sham act to pretend like there was public accountability. Would anyone doubt that Congress loves to work behind closed doors? I sure wouldn't! And I should know!

Don't be discouraged, fair citizens! The tyranny is far from over, as the Speakership lives on to this day in its gloriously irreverent way. Look for future installments to learn more about the rest of these Cabalistic elitists! And remember...they are out there, watching everything you do and say...

Hey, what are you guys doing in here? Get ou

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"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?"