The Currahee - Training Wars

Day 4,565, 19:18 • Published in USA USA • by Gnilraps



Day 4,565 of the New World
Gnilraps



"Training Wars? What the hell do we need with Training Wars? Our soldiers are battle-ready now!"

Commander TheNorm hadn't had his first cup of coffee yet, and it was obvious.

"Dammit, Gnilraps, get Norm some mud!" barked Iamnameless, as Gnil quickly snapped a salute and spun off to the canteen. Norm preferred a little hooch with his joe.

"And don't forget the shrapnel!"

"Norm really must be pissed," Gnilraps thought. "He only eats Grape Nuts when he needs to grind his teeth."

Back at command, the XO's were giving Norm his distance. Norm was not the least bit pleased to learn that the war against Asteria had been called off early. "What the hell are we gonna do with all these effing bazooka boosters? And I am NOT dropping these bombs in a Training War! They expire in two weeks!"

They let Norm carry on like this until Gnilraps returned with the Commander's breakfast and coffee. Despite the steam rising from the cup, and likely because of the whiskey Gnilraps had added, Norm drank it all in a single gulp. He sat down with a spoon and shoveled a pile of cereal into His unshaven face.

He always ate his Grape Nuts dry.

This gave MelissaRose a chance to speak.

"The deal with Asteria's a pretty good one, considering they were about to wipe us off the map, sir."

Iamnameless added, "We'll have a Congress, and we get our safe states back."

Norm was already on his third scoop of shrapnel.

"I want the Captains reports!" Norm's words were mostly discernible, his mouth full. Gnilraps, who happened to still be standing in front of him was again reminded why they called it shrapnel.

"I'll go get them now, yessir!" Gnilraps saluted, turned about, and waited until he had left the tent to brush the Grape Nuts off his uniform.



"Alright." Norm growled, "I get it. So what are we gonna do now?"

"We can start by cleaning up all these dead bodies," Melissa Rose suggested. "We've got over seven thousand of them strewn about Our 300 regiments."

"Do it."

Norm rarely wasted words.

"Our supply systems could use some new protocols." Iamnameless had been tirelessly feeding the troops every Friday for years. He knew that a six-month reprieve from hard battle was the perfect time to implement some changes.

"Do it."

Iamnameless quickly added, "We'll have to study the question first. I'll report back to you with a recommendation ASAP."

"Do it." By now Norm was grinding through his last mouthful of Grape Nuts. "And let's see what we can do about those old communes."

Just then Gnilraps returned with Boomerdude, Animis, and HULK.

"Reports!" was all Norm had to say.

Animis filled Norm in on the details of the Safe States policy, being careful to emphasize that Norm's home State of Washington was among them. Norm and MelissaRose had both chosen to reside in Olympia, but nobody dared to wonder aloud if there was anything to the rumors…

Boomerdude updated his Commander on troop morale. "Not only has activity picked up on our comms wall, but we also have some exciting new recruits who are making positive waves in the media."

"Good."




Norm was already drinking the second cup of coffee that Gnilraps had the foresight to grab on his way back. It showed.

His mood had softened just in time for what HULK had to say. "Commander, Sir, the troops would like new uniforms."

MelissaRose's eyes darted back and forth between Norm, Gnilraps, and the photo of Deepchill hanging from the tent post behind Norms desk. She was quite content with her uniform, thank you very much. In fact, everyone was quite content with MelissaRose's uniform, especially when she was walking directly in front of them.

Maybe it was the Grape Nuts, maybe the double whiskey in that second cup of coffee, or maybe it was because Norm knew that MR could make even a set of medics scrubs look good. But the timing was right.

"Do it. Dismissed!"

TheNorm always ended meetings abruptly.

But nobody wanted to be the first to leave the tent.

Actually, mostly everyone just wanted MelissaRose to be the first to leave the tent, which she gladly did, her soon-to-be-replaced uniform undulating in that special way.

"Teenagers!" Animis spat as she followed Melissa out, showing the boys that she still had it too.

"CURRAHEE!!!" Gnilraps howled, as he followed Animis. "Cur - a - hee!"

As Boomerdude and HULK walked out, they joked, "Cur-a-her, AND her!"



Iamnameless sat down across from TheNorm and removed the worn out deck of playing cards from his chest pocket. His Commander opened a desk drawer, pulled out two tumblers and a bottle of Rye, and rasped, "you deal."

As Iamnameless cut the deck, the smell of Rye began to fill the tent, and Norm muttered under his breath, "effing Training Wars, my ass."