Word on the Street

Day 1,417, 09:45 • Published in USA USA • by Sir Gulden Draak

Greetings my dear friends, I hope you are having a fantastic start to the weekend. Personally, I plan on polishing off a case of beer at the mall and then pissing in the wishing pool, but that is just me. Any who, I would like to welcome you to this first edition of “Word on the Street” in my new paper. My goal is that “Word on the Street” will be published every Friday, and that it will update you on all the information that has happened in the USA during the past week. How will we collect this information you may ask? Well my dear friend, by talking to people on the street. So without further delay, let us jump on in.

Alexander_Auctoritas really a raccoon?

As you should all know by know, this Wednesday we re-elected Alexander_Auctoritas to a second term. What you may not realize however, is that A^2 is really a raccoon. That is right my friends, your President is a a no good weasel looking creature with a mask. Word on the Street became aware of this information when talking to local hippie Jude Connors down at the head shop. Jude explained that late Wednesday night after the election, he heard some rustling out behind his house and went out to check the situation and make sure local punks weren’t stealing his weed crop. After turning on the light, he saw what appeared to be an raccoon lift his head out of the trash can with a veggie spring roll in it’s mouth which Jude had not eaten for lunch. Startled, the coon leaped out of the trash can and before disappearing into the night, Jude saw the coon shape shift into none other than our president A^2. A new group of citizens known as the eBirthers, have demanded that A^2 reveal his birth certificate to prove that he does not have the blood of a coon in him. We will keep you posted as updates become available.



The eyes don’t lie, the eyes don’t lie

Morrigan Alexandros a dominatrix with a slave dungeon?

As you should also already know, dear Morrigan came in second place in the presidential elections this week after having a remarkable campaign. Again, what you may not know is that sweet Morrigan has a slave dungeon in her house. This story was first broken to us yesterday by Henry Arundel a.k.a “Pfeiffer” who says he was held captive by Morrigan for several days in her dungeon. While a slave, Pfeiffer claims Morrigan made him do all kinds of horrendous things like spoon her, massage her feet, and prance out in silk pajamas to Justin Timberlake songs with a lollipop in his mouth as her “pretty boy”. If Morrigan takes anyone else hostage, we will surely let you know.



HE PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN

Well, that is all for now as I have beer to drink. I hope you enjoyed this edition of Word on the Street. Please vote, sub, and pass this article to the homie on your left. Until next time.....

Stay thirsty my friends,

Sir Gulden Draak