Who Is the Sexiest Candidate?

Day 349, 22:45 • Published in South Africa Sweden • by Jizzie McGuire

The Sexy Times does not normally delve into politics, as most of you know, but because of recent queries, criticism and the lack of sexy questions, I have been compelled to answer the question that everyone is asking: who is the sexiest candidate? This issue, above all others, will be the deciding factor in the voters' minds when they cast their votes for Sucko, Deus Ex or Keanu Stryker. Everyone knows that the sexiest candidate is the best candidate because sexy people are also the smartest, most saavy and charming people around. Just look at the US presidential race. Is it a coincidence that Obama is clearly the better and more popular candidate than McCain, while at the same time he is far more sexy? Of course not. Sexy = win. I know that everyone also agrees that I, Jizzie McGuire, am the only one truly qualified to answer this question. First, let's look at which of the candidates for the eSouth Africa presidency is not sexy.

Of the three candidates, Sucko is clearly the most un-sexy for reasons he both can and can't control. He can't control that he is a pert, underage young boy from the armpit of Europe, both dangerously unsexy traits, but you nevertheless can't blame him for exhuding a lack of sexiness on those accounts. However, his snotty, arrogant attitude and undeserved sense of entitlement are controllable traits that make him not only unsexy but an utter douchebag. A scrote's scrote indeed.

Though it is clear who is not sexy, the race between Deus and Keanu for most sexy candidate is closer than one might think. Common knowledge would give Deus the landslide victory, however I would not underestimate the darkhorse candidacy of Keanu Stryker. While little is known about him compared to the popular Deus, he has the enigmatic sex appeal of Clint Eastwood's "Man with No Name". Plus you have to bestow a certain amount of sexiness to someone who names himself after a semi-retarded but sexy actor (Keanu Reeves) and a super-sexy old school gay porn star (Jeff Stryker). Nice!

Despite Keanu's strong appeal however, the most sexy candidate is still eSouth Africa's very own god of sexy, Deus Ex. His sculpted, Van Damme/Schwarzeneggerian good looks, his retro shades, the way the rays of the moon illuminate his chiseled face like a lunar halo, and the way he whispers "I love you" into your ear after making sweet love makes Deus our most sexy of candidates. For this reason, The Sexy Times hereby endorses Deus Ex for the presidency of eSouth Africa. If you vote for the other guys, you are either a pedophile or are into watching gay porn while high, the latter of which is actually okay and maybe a little sexy too.

So let's get out and sex up the vote!