We Regret to Inform You

Day 666, 16:23 • Published in Canada Canada • by BenMartin

Banners and confetti littered the now dark streets. All eCanadians were celebrating with their newly elected party presidents. Little did they know…… that there was a plan………… so amazing ……. It just had to come from the CPF!



Two unnamed CPF member (Lets just call them Balls and Big Balls), both dressed in matching black spandex jumpsuits, stealthily made their way to the back of the DAL’s Pub were the big white DAL beer truck was parked. Luckily for Balls and Big Balls, the DAL did not keep their beer truck as well guarded as the CPF does. All that was between our brilliant masterminds and a big truck full of DAL liquor was sleepy two-clicking driver.



Balls pulled out a cardboard cut-out of Cesar Augustus that had been previously stolen from CA’s makeshift election headquarters and taped it to the windshield of the DAL’s liquor truck.



They both hid behind a dumpster and plugged in a 100 000 000 watt light that was rigged to shine straight into the drivers face. Almost instantaneously the driver leaped from his slumber and tried to look around. When his vision returned, he was greeted with CA’s “lovely” face. The poor trucker started writhing in pain as his body slowly melted into a puddle on the floor (from the light or CA’s face… you decide 😛 ). Methodically both thieves hotwired the truck and took off, leaving no trace that they were ever there……….



When asked, a CPF publicist stated “That’s freaken funny!! The DAL got jacked……JACKED!” The publicist proceeded to laugh her ass off. Her ass will be dearly missed.



I felt that this must be made public to all of eCanada, if you have any information regarding the theft please STFU and don’t tattle like a little four year old, your lame, nobody cares about your incredibly unimportant life, you’re a stupid Sherlock Holmes wannabe, YOUR JUST JEALOUS YOU COULDENT PULL THIS OFF!!




In closing I would like to announce I will be running for congress in nine days. If you vote for me I will provide you with tons of beer, wine, whisky or any other liquor you can imagine!