WAR UPDATE: Armies of Man March on the Black Gates of New Jersey

Day 673, 11:19 • Published in USA USA • by Hari Michaelson
---Letter-From-The-Editor---

Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.

-Editor-on-the-Edge-
Hari Michaelson
---

Beacons of Trenton Lit, New Jersey Calls for Aid

The armies of Man began their slow, determined march towards the darkened skies hovering above the hellscape that is New Jersey today. The pain and wear of battles past could be found in the dents in their armor, the nicks in their blades, the depth of their scars. But from their eyes could be seen the determination and courage to finally bring light and freedom to the land once more.


Gaius Julius and the thought-dead Emerick the Lulzy emerge from the Fortress-City of Minas Florida

The long, hard journey has finally led Gaius Julius and his army to the final seat of evil on the continent of the North; New Jersey. Long since feared by men and Kings alike, the seat of Parter's power on the continent has been ravaged by his greed and wrath, and the one object that has led many to believe him undefeatable: His credit card.


Picture😛 The Dark Lord Parter. Not Picture😛 His House.

Upon finally reaching the Black Gates of New Jersey, a fearful silence fell over the crowd of warriors. It was then that Gaius Julius rode out to the front of the gathered army, to issue them this speech:

"Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of eMercia, of eCanada, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of FORTIS and EDEN fails, when we follow in the footsteps of the eUK and forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of baww threads and ragequitters, when the age of eMerica comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear in this New World, I bid you *stand, Men of the eUSA!* "


Gaius Julius, speechmaking

Gaius Julius then turned towards the foreboding gates and charged, yelling:

"FOR TEH LULZ!!1!"
---
The Muckraker: They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, two-clicks...two-clicks in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We can not get out... they are coming.