VVP of America Acceptance Article

Day 1,107, 17:54 • Published in USA USA • by rivere123

Yes, that's right. This next term, I will, possibly, be serving as your next VVP. And by possibly, I mean definitely, since I'm involved.
The president I will serve under? Cromstar. Now I'd like to keep this short and sweet. Here is my official acceptance speech:
I, Rivere123, promise to hold the safety of America first under my term as VVP, to the best of my ability. I swear to deliver the president and vice president's fresh cups of homemade coffee (because tea is British) dilligently each day, and keep Americans aware of theworld around them by releasing articles daily about the current state of coffee prices in the US, and by reminding them that, no matter what happens, the US will always have a red, white, and blue flag, and that's about it.

And as VVP I promise to show no racial bias in deciding which color tie to wear to work each morning, with no rain, snow, or Whacky Tie Fridays at the White House being able to stop me from completing this mission. I also remember to remind everyone that the president and his Cabinet are only human, by routinely getting wasted and passing out in the Spanish embassy's parking lot after a particularly offensive rant on how the IRS doesn't contribute to society.

And now that I have fulfilled my quota of bullshit for this term, I would like to ask all Americans to do the same. I know, you may all think "I don't know how the VVP can do it, going to work everyday at 3 PM and leaving at 1 AM, after a crazy night with the First Lady" but it's just part of my duties. And you, too, should fulfill your duties, by not littering and by giving your gold to a trustworthy government official with a titular title who can take care of it, like myself.

Thank You America,
The Guy that will Cause WWIII
Your Future VVP
Rivere123
(P.S. I promise to not get into anymore drunken fights with the Secretary of Defence. You can check my fingers, they're not crossed.)