THINGS I REALIZED WHILE I WAS GONE – PART I

Day 1,668, 06:55 • Published in USA USA • by Chutley



THINGS I REALIZED WHILE I WAS GONE – PART I

I’m going back to my roots for this one. When I started I wrote off the top of my head and didn’t use a single picture. That’s what this is. Straight text…and divider lines…and my header, but shut up.

Anyways, below is a list of ten things I realized while I was gone. Don’t worry, I realized many more than ten things in the last nine months, so this is merely Part I.




1. eRepublik people are not their avatars

Last year I used to see Geico commercials and actually think I was on TV. And I once heard an interview on NPR with Tom Waits and wondered how he found enough time to do that in between 16 Shells articles. And eating dill pickles took on a weird innuendo that made them somehow less tasty.

And there are the names too. Or “names.” I once was reading something and saw the words “civil” and “anarchy” next to each other and I thought, “Hey, I know that dude.” And nevermind any time I see a Pizza Hut on the road.

So yeah, leave long enough and you might start remembering that it was Edward Norton who starred in Fight Club and not Glove. Life makes more sense that way.



2. More people stand to wipe after taking a deuce than I originally thought

Ok that doesn’t have anything to do with eRep but I learned it recently and am still very much surprised.

I don’t really understand the thinking here. I mean, it’s pure geometry really, and even common sense. Look, to get through a doorway you open the door, right? You don’t see an open door and push it a little shut just so you can sneak through. Unless you’re trying to get in while not letting anyone get out but that hardly seems the goal in an a$$wipe situation.



3. John Carter was the worst movie ever

It just was. I want those six hours back. Yeah the movie wasn’t six hours, but I spent an extra 4 afterwards in the shower crying and washing away the filth. But it just wouldn’t come off. I still feel dirty.



4. My computer crashes a lot

Yeah it’s old, but it’s a Mac and they’re not supposed to crash. But then again I’m not supposed to have 4,000 gigs of pornography on it either (that one’s for you Jon Malcolm).



5. It’s hard to get a job

Not for me. But others seem to be having a hard time of it.



6. Boogers disappear

Think about it. You pick your boogers, at least sometimes (and if you say you don’t then you’re either a liar or not someone with whom I care to associate), and you flick them on the floor. But when have you ever seen them for a second time? You haven’t. They disappear.



7. I can catch mosquitos with both hands at the same time

And it was awesome



8. If someone says “herp” and/or “derp” outloud they’re bad people and have nothing good to say



9. Hey Tom – I know who you are…

I don’t actually, but I bet one of you is named Tom and just got really freaked out.



10. Public unisex bathrooms are tricky

If you go to the bathroom in a public place and there’s only one toilet and it’s unisex and you have to deuce, be careful about when you go. And make sure you don’t see anyone you know. And if you do see someone, leave and find somewhere else to go.



There you go – ten things as promised. Inane and authentic to my primordial instincts.

Inaningly,
Chutley