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Our hero, Lord Vetinari

This is the first installation of a new comedy series, twinning Terry Prachett’s Diskworld character Lord Vetinari with the various figures of the eUK community. I hope you enjoyed them as I did writing them

Vetinari was the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. He was thus surprised when he woke up to find himself in the eUK.

Previously on the diskworld; Jamesw the wizard had popped out for a midnight drink. Such was in the ancient city very popular, as most of the population were usually drunk. It had even been reported that some of the night watch had been fired simply because they failed a blood-alcohol test whilst on duty. Angry carriage drivers often forgave a drunk watchman; as did thieves who often found escaping far easier when the enforcers of the law had finished their ‘quick one for the road’.

Jamesw was, naturally, very eager for his drink. The post of deputy librarian usually required nerves that most people, barring the orangutan that ran it, didn’t have. Fortunately, Jamesw combatted this issue with a nice quiet drink every hour or so – most nights in the library were fierce as some books didn’t react well with the dark.

It was thus ironic that Jamesw returned to the library, aided significantly by several whisky chasers too many, with full intentions to chase the terror of darkness from the fears the several thousand books he guarded. Unfortunately for Jamesw and an innocent flying dictionary, he was on fire. Lord Monkton’s book of the arsenic arts, scared to its spine at the sight of the inebriated wizard, had finally given up on emigrating to eSwitzerland and creatively blew up.


Ankh-Morpork Library

Due to Jamesw being covered in alcohol; and knocked into the flames by said flying dictionary, he also annoyed one of the Diskworld’s numerous Gods. It was at this point Vetinari and the night watch ran in, right into a stray pulse of magic emitted from the burning books. Jamesw ducked; and the pulse hit Vetinari right in the chest – transporting him through time and space, and indeed, reality; into a strange and mystical land named the eUK.

Vetinari woke up. It was raining, and very cold. His surroundings were very few, other than a small castle that could be deduced from the fog. Vetinari had only just got up when a wild Asher di Immortales strolled past. Vetinari panicked, and hid behind a rock. Asher was bemused by this, and walked over to Vetinari. He struck out a hand, which Vetinari stared at for some time. It would later emerge that he was offering Vetinari a special welcome pack. Suddenly, a wild Jhorlin appeared, and promptly clubbed Asher over the head. Asher looked surprised, and turned into a piece of parmesan. Jhorlin carefully picked it up, and put it into a small leather bag. After several minutes of furious shouting at the rock, Jhorlin turned to Vetinari.


The remains of Asher

‘Who’re you?’
‘A curious bystander, presumably’

Jhorlin stared suspiciously.

‘Are you in Camelot?’
‘No.’
‘Do you know what Camelot is?’
‘No.’
‘Come to that, neither do I.’

Jhorlin sat down on the rock, after quickly checking for traps. Vetinari looked on, utterly bemused.

‘What’re you doing here?’
‘Where?’
‘In eScotland?’
‘I was teleported here’.
‘Oh. How much did they charge?’
‘Who?’
‘The Admins.’
‘A brief moment of breathlessness and a bad back.’

Jhorlin looked surprised.

‘Are you Canadian?’
‘No.’
‘Ah, they often come wondering around these parts.’
‘Was that man Canadian?’

Vetinari pointed at the leather bag. Jhorlin grunted.

‘Might as well have been.’
‘So why did you club him?’
‘Because he was parmesan.’

Logical deduction did indeed support that last statement, as did Vetinari’s powerful sense of smell. The entire place smelt of cheese.

‘I suppose there is a grim outlook on cheese in these parts?’
‘Very.’
‘Why was he condemned?’
‘He built a castle that threatened a bigger castle’
‘I thought every Englishman’s home was his castle?’
‘This is eScotland’
‘Ah, fair enough.’

It was at this point an angry Dan Moir strolled behind Jhorlin, carrying with him a particularly brutal looking stick. To a keen eye, you could just make out the inscription ‘4 camelot’ written on the side of it. The stick swung fair and true, and caught Jhorlin firmly on the ear. Jhorlin would later remark that it was Camelot themselves that caused him to only hear selectively. For the moment however, Jhorlin was now sleeping peacefully on the floor.


Dan Moir with other members of Camelot

‘Good riddance’. Dan Moir picked up the leather bag, and reverently took out several variations of cheese from it. The large chunk of cheddar had previously been the great Goku; who had formerly travelled around distant villages outside of the capital, stirring up peasants on the evils of role play. Goku had met his end when an angry blacksmith decided to catapult an anvil at him for having his daughter burned alive, condemned of being an actress. You could still see the anvil imprint firmly on the side of the cheese.

The strange bit of Wensleydale, according to Dan, was formerly the great Lap937,2482,6443,5387.34888r. Lap had been a travelling magician, hypnotising people by reciting his long list of numbers. Numbers hadn’t been invented until Lap came along, the eUK policy formerly consisting of the great Dish policy of headbutting your keyboard several times and hoping for the best. Lap had met his end with an angry sportsman, as well as the Countryside alliance. Apparently they objected to his rambling around the fields wearing number but a small leather necklace in a mildly athletic body he’d borrowed for the night. Despite his appeals that it was perfectly acceptable, it was considered illegal by Kara the Red. Lap would finally be burned alive by Goku the inquisitor, and transformed into a good cut of his favourite cheese.

This was, as to be expected, astounding for Vetinari.

Stay tuned for the next episode of Vetinari’s travels in the eUK 😃.