The Old Polish Space Programme
Day 931, 07:21
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Published in United Kingdom 
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by
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by Joachim von Bremen
In this article I will uncover the tragic truth about Polish space travel. You may have heard that they cannot into space, on many occasion. But this is not entirely true. Due to a UK conspiracy and media cover-up, their exploits were not heard... until now.
They had names like Pennyless Piotr, Miracle Miroslav and Loopey Louis Lukas. What they lacked in technicle know-how they more than made up for in courage and zeal. The courageous heroes of the Old Polish Space Programme.
Interview with Miracle Miroslav, first Pole on the Moon
A lot of people today... they don't think about it. They say, "Oh, they're putting a man on the moon", or "Oh, they're sending up a space shuttle." But they don't realise that, in the early days of the space programme, UKSA (The United kingdom Space Association) was eUKers only. This was... errr... when was it? Day 457/58? It was a different time you understand. You see, on day 457 if you were Polish and you were an astronaut... you were out of work.
Oh it started like any old thing I suppose. It started over a girl. I was over in the Mushroom Kingdom, where we used to hang out, and I was making time with this cute little thing named Ludmila Nowakowna. Now she wouldn't be with a man who didn't have no job. So I called up my best friend Loopey Louuis Lukas, and I said 'Lukas, where can a plumber get a job?'. It was a different time you understand - day 457/58. So the both of us went down to UKSA. But to our surprise, they weren't hiring any Poles at UKSA. It was a different time you understand.
It was a different time. Day 457, or 458. The eUK's love affair with racism was in full swing, and UKSA was no exception.
Interview with historian and expert on Polish space exploration, Tomaz
What we see recurring, or re-occurring if I may, in this story, or tale if you will, is this insistence, or the assertion, on the part of UKSA that it never happened. Which I think is a very roundabout way of denying, or negating, something - if indeed that is your intention, or your intent.
Interview with Loopey Louis Hayes, first Pole in Space
We was young and we didn't know nothing, but we wasn't going to let nobody tell us we couldn't do it. So, we put together our own uniforms, and I told Ludmila Nowakowna that I was working for PASTA. The Polish Association of Space Travelling Astronauts. Got laid that very night.
The uniforms were stitched by hand. The rockets - cobbled together from UKSA's discards. Word spread quickly. By Day 800, PASTA had over 60,000 Polestronauts. UKSA was beginning to take notice.
Second Interview with historian and expert on Polish space exploration, Tomaz
Woldy was aware of the Polish Space Programme and was very much against it. His stance on civil rights notwithstanding, one can only imagine... as terrified as the administration was of losing the space race to Emerika, they were 10 times more so of losing it to the Poles.
As The eUK government fumed, Warsaw celebrated. The rag-tag group of Polestronauts were becoming minor celebrities, travelling town to town, staging launches, advertising local businesses. Their exploits were glorified in song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kokm6ACqvB8
For a time, it seemed the Polish Space Programme could do no wrong. But there were casualties. With their cloth spacesuits, and their makeshift rockets, Polestronauts faced far greater hardships than their eUK counterparts. A week into his first mission, Miracle Miroslav wrote home to his wife in Krakow:
Dear Kazimira, the indications are very strong that I shall attempt re-entry tomorrow. And lest I shall not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write you a few lines - that they may fall under your eyes when I am no more. GOOD PLASHNUKOV, IT IS COLDER THAN THE SEWER DOWN HERE. MAMA MIA. GOD DAMN. SPACE IS ONE COLD MOTHER FUDZENIA. Kazamira, my love for you is deathless. It seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that only omnipotence can break. BUT WOMAN IT IS COLD AS PRZEPRASZAM UP HERE.
Miracle Miroslav died 3 days later upon re-entry. But even so, casualties did not slow down PASTA as they did UKSA.
Third Interview with historian and expert on Polish space exploration, Tomaz
Here we have a tale of different cultures, or different cultural settings if I may. For example, when the Apollo 1 astronauts blew up on the launchpad, there was an investigation and a congressional hearing and so on and so forth. By contrast, when the Polish Astronaut, Piotr 'Stinkey Pete' Podolski blew up in a car park near the German border, they just casually extinguished him and he was ready for another launch the next morning. Before long, Woldy had had enough. But the Polish Space Programme was not easily shut down. At this point, or juncture, UKSA goes ahead and poaches some of the more intelligent Polish astronauts. And to a certain extent this worked quite well - Jamesw, Maddog Jones and Pensive could pass for British. And of course the final blow, the coup-de-gras if I may, was the so-called Polish Pretence, in which Woldy surreptitiously prevents the media from discussing the accomplishments of the Polish astronauts and instead encourages them to spread rumours of lost battles and useless presidents. In fact, much of the news you read in those days was all part of a well orchestrated diversion, or mis-direction if you will. The lesson here is that people believe what they want to believe.
The final blow to the Polish Space Programme came ironically at its finest hour. Day 654. A full 200 days before the eUK landed on the moon. Miracle Miroslav and Loopey Louis Lukas land their modified Skoda just East of the Sea of Tranquility. But because of the Polish Pretence, the accomplishment is completely buried by the mainstream media.
Second Interview with Miracle Miroslav, first Pole on the Moon
We expected to be heroes. But when we got back, we were just Poles.
Dejected and discouraged, PASTA officially disbanded. But its heroes live on, for the few who care to learn their story.
They had names like Pennyless Piotr, Miracle Miroslav and Loopey Louis Lukas. What they lacked in technicle know-how they more than made up for in courage and zeal. The courageous heroes of the Old Polish Space Programme.
Interview with Miracle Miroslav, first Pole on the Moon
A lot of people today... they don't think about it. They say, "Oh, they're putting a man on the moon", or "Oh, they're sending up a space shuttle." But they don't realise that, in the early days of the space programme, UKSA (The United kingdom Space Association) was eUKers only. This was... errr... when was it? Day 457/58? It was a different time you understand. You see, on day 457 if you were Polish and you were an astronaut... you were out of work.
Oh it started like any old thing I suppose. It started over a girl. I was over in the Mushroom Kingdom, where we used to hang out, and I was making time with this cute little thing named Ludmila Nowakowna. Now she wouldn't be with a man who didn't have no job. So I called up my best friend Loopey Louuis Lukas, and I said 'Lukas, where can a plumber get a job?'. It was a different time you understand - day 457/58. So the both of us went down to UKSA. But to our surprise, they weren't hiring any Poles at UKSA. It was a different time you understand.
It was a different time. Day 457, or 458. The eUK's love affair with racism was in full swing, and UKSA was no exception.
Interview with historian and expert on Polish space exploration, Tomaz
What we see recurring, or re-occurring if I may, in this story, or tale if you will, is this insistence, or the assertion, on the part of UKSA that it never happened. Which I think is a very roundabout way of denying, or negating, something - if indeed that is your intention, or your intent.
Interview with Loopey Louis Hayes, first Pole in Space
We was young and we didn't know nothing, but we wasn't going to let nobody tell us we couldn't do it. So, we put together our own uniforms, and I told Ludmila Nowakowna that I was working for PASTA. The Polish Association of Space Travelling Astronauts. Got laid that very night.
The uniforms were stitched by hand. The rockets - cobbled together from UKSA's discards. Word spread quickly. By Day 800, PASTA had over 60,000 Polestronauts. UKSA was beginning to take notice.
Second Interview with historian and expert on Polish space exploration, Tomaz
Woldy was aware of the Polish Space Programme and was very much against it. His stance on civil rights notwithstanding, one can only imagine... as terrified as the administration was of losing the space race to Emerika, they were 10 times more so of losing it to the Poles.
As The eUK government fumed, Warsaw celebrated. The rag-tag group of Polestronauts were becoming minor celebrities, travelling town to town, staging launches, advertising local businesses. Their exploits were glorified in song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kokm6ACqvB8
For a time, it seemed the Polish Space Programme could do no wrong. But there were casualties. With their cloth spacesuits, and their makeshift rockets, Polestronauts faced far greater hardships than their eUK counterparts. A week into his first mission, Miracle Miroslav wrote home to his wife in Krakow:
Dear Kazimira, the indications are very strong that I shall attempt re-entry tomorrow. And lest I shall not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write you a few lines - that they may fall under your eyes when I am no more. GOOD PLASHNUKOV, IT IS COLDER THAN THE SEWER DOWN HERE. MAMA MIA. GOD DAMN. SPACE IS ONE COLD MOTHER FUDZENIA. Kazamira, my love for you is deathless. It seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that only omnipotence can break. BUT WOMAN IT IS COLD AS PRZEPRASZAM UP HERE.
Miracle Miroslav died 3 days later upon re-entry. But even so, casualties did not slow down PASTA as they did UKSA.
Third Interview with historian and expert on Polish space exploration, Tomaz
Here we have a tale of different cultures, or different cultural settings if I may. For example, when the Apollo 1 astronauts blew up on the launchpad, there was an investigation and a congressional hearing and so on and so forth. By contrast, when the Polish Astronaut, Piotr 'Stinkey Pete' Podolski blew up in a car park near the German border, they just casually extinguished him and he was ready for another launch the next morning. Before long, Woldy had had enough. But the Polish Space Programme was not easily shut down. At this point, or juncture, UKSA goes ahead and poaches some of the more intelligent Polish astronauts. And to a certain extent this worked quite well - Jamesw, Maddog Jones and Pensive could pass for British. And of course the final blow, the coup-de-gras if I may, was the so-called Polish Pretence, in which Woldy surreptitiously prevents the media from discussing the accomplishments of the Polish astronauts and instead encourages them to spread rumours of lost battles and useless presidents. In fact, much of the news you read in those days was all part of a well orchestrated diversion, or mis-direction if you will. The lesson here is that people believe what they want to believe.
The final blow to the Polish Space Programme came ironically at its finest hour. Day 654. A full 200 days before the eUK landed on the moon. Miracle Miroslav and Loopey Louis Lukas land their modified Skoda just East of the Sea of Tranquility. But because of the Polish Pretence, the accomplishment is completely buried by the mainstream media.
Second Interview with Miracle Miroslav, first Pole on the Moon
We expected to be heroes. But when we got back, we were just Poles.
Dejected and discouraged, PASTA officially disbanded. But its heroes live on, for the few who care to learn their story.
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lmao
lolwut
I like it!
Vote 😃
😮)
Ketzer!
tl;dr.
the stuff I read was funny though
FFFFUUUUUUU
Jamesw, Pensive, we've been rumbled.
Back to Poland we go.
Seal of approval granted.