The musings of Sir Humphrey

Day 1,083, 04:14 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Sir Humphrey Appleby
Politicians like to panic, they need activity. It is their substitute for achievement.
-Sir Humphrey Appleby

Good afternoon readers! I was wondering what to write about for this week’s article; and thought I might recreate a few scenes from last month’s British government under GGRyan. Some of you will know these excerpts to derive from where my username comes from, the Yes Prime Minister series. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did. But first, a traditional funny gif.



GGRyan: Humphrey, do you see it as part of your job to help ministers make fools of themselves?
Sir Humphrey: Well, I never met one that needed any help.

Sir Humphrey: Make sure he (the Prime Minister) spends more time where he can't get under our feet and can't do any damage.
Frerk: But where?
Sir Humphrey: Well, the House of Commons for instance.

Blaggard: So it all boils down to the Ministry of Trade. Still, I find that quite acceptable.
Sir Humphrey: Well, it is within the gift of the Prime Minister, and you would only put in appearances once or twice a month.
Blaggard: Are there lots of papers?
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but it wouldn't be awfully necessary to read them.
Blaggard: Then I wouldn't have anything to say at the monthly meetings.
Sir Humphrey: Splendid, I can see your just the chap I'm looking for.

Frerk: In the service, CMG stands for Call Me God. And KCMG for Kindly Call Me God.
GGRyan: What does GCMG stand for?
Frerk: God Calls Me God.
GGRyan: And when did a civil servant last refuse an honour?
Frerk: Well I think there was somebody in the Treasury that refused a knighthood.
GGRyan: When?
Frerk: I think it was 1496.
GGRyan: Why?
Frerk: He had already got one.

Sir Humphrey: It must be hard for a political adviser to understand this, but I'm merely a civil servant. I simply do as I am instructed by my master.
GGRyan: What happens when the Prime Minister is a woman, what'll you call her?
Sir Humphrey: Yes that is rather interesting. We sought an answer to that point when I was Principal Private Secretary to Mrs. Iain Keers, as she then was, when she was elected Prime Minister in July. I didn't quite like to refer to her as my mistress.
GGRyan: What was the answer?
Sir Humphrey: Oh, we're still waiting for it.

Draaglom: How many people do we have in this department?
Sir Humphrey: Ummm... well, we're very small...
Draaglom: Two, maybe three thousand?
Sir Humphrey: About twenty three thousand to be precise.
Draaglom: TWENTY THREE THOUSAND! In the department of technical affairs, twenty three thousand! We need to do a time-and-motion study to see who we can get rid of.
Sir Humphrey: We had one of those last year.
Draaglom: And what were the results?
Sir Humphrey: It transpired that we needed another five hundred people.

Sir Humphrey: Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last five hundred years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now, when it's worked so well?
Keram: That's all ancient history, surely?
Sir Humphrey: Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn't work. Now that we're inside we can make a complete pig's breakfast of the whole thing: set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch. The Foreign Office is terribly pleased; it's just like old times.
Keram: But surely we're all committed to the European ideal?
Sir Humphrey: Really, Minister.
Keram: If not, why are we pushing for an increase in the membership?
Sir Humphrey: Well, for the same reason. It's just like Phoenix, in fact; the more members it has, the more arguments it can stir up, the more futile and impotent it becomes.
Keram: What appalling cynicism.
Sir Humphrey: Yes... We call it diplomacy, Minister.

Sir Humphrey: Didn't you read the Financial Times this morning?
Thatcher: Never do.
Sir Humphrey: Well, you're the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Surely you read the Financial Times?
Thatcher: Can't understand it. Full of economic theory.
Sir Humphrey: Why do you buy it?
Thatcher: Oh, you know, it's part of the uniform.
Thatcher: It took me thirty years to understand Keynes' economics. And when I just caught on, everyone started getting hooked on these monetarist ideas. You know, 'I want to be free' by Milton Shillman.
Sir Humphrey: Milton Friedman?
Thatcher: Why are they all called Milton? Anyway, I have got only as far as Milton Keynes.
Sir Humphrey: Maynard Keynes
Thatcher: I am sure there is a Milton Keynes.

Sir Humphrey: [On Military Hacks] There's the excuse we used for the Munich Agreement: it occurred before certain important facts were known and couldn't happen again.
GGRyan: What important facts?
Sir Humphrey: Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.
GGRyan: I thought everybody knew that.
Sir Humphrey: Not the Foreign Office.

Artela: Life is so much easier when Prime Ministers think they've achieved something; it stops them fretting, and their little temper tantrums.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but now he wants to introduce his next idea.
Artela: A Prime Minister with two ideas? I can't remember when we last had one of those.



Final Joke

’I raised the alarm at work today.

The midgets were furious.’

Yours, as always,


Lt. Col. Sir Humphrey Appleby MP, MiD, SAS, QC, GCB, KBE, MVO, MA (Oxon)
Former Cabinet Secretary for the eUK
Former British Minister of Foreign Affairs and Trade