The First Day
Day 617, 07:58
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Published in USA 
•
by
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by Cutie Patootie Death Commandos
Issue 01 ▪ Volume I ▪ Est. July 29, 2009
Welcome to the inaugural issue of the The Big Patootie. It is our hope that this little rag becomes an insightful, exciting, and entertaining source of news for a growing audience of the eRepublik. And what a memorable day to begin publication! This is the first day of eCitizenship and my beloved US of A is desperately defending against the forces of PEACE.
To establish a tradition and begin things right we would like to introduce our featured Cutie Patootie of the week, Miss Julie Winegardner! To show her patriotic support of our valiant defenders, our model is (sort of) wearing the fatigues of our beleaguered troops and flashing the "V" of our eventual victory! Go Julie!
Julie Winegardner
_EVENTS__________
On to current events!
Home Front
The largest setback to Fortress America's defense has been the recent loss of California. As one of our three strongholds, the state's fall marks a new low in our military efforts. The most demoralizing fact is that it could have been easily averted if our soldiers understood the mechanics of the game. Our troops stopped fighting and in the minutes following the elapsed time PEACE continued the battle, breaking the tie, and won the battle.
But don't lose hope my friends! Already PEACE has committed huge sums of gold to tank through our heartland with weapon-wielding grunts of Russian, French, Hungarian, and Indonesian origins. This bleeding of their resources as well as leaving their other occupied lands less defended, has already yielded fruit. Soon PEACE will realize, much as the Romans did when first confronting Hannibal's seemingly weak center at the Battle of Cannae, that they are exhausted and surrounded by the enemy. As with the Romans of those doomed legions, there will soon be nothing left for them but butchery and defeat.
International
Fortis, the eUSA's alliance with other nations, may soon be growing in membership. At present it includes only the USA and Canada with a proposed membership by Spain but this it seems is soon to change. More nations are finding a common cause with us against the scourge of PEACE.
PEACE is a multi-national military alliance bent on world domination and they have trodden over many to get where they are today. This very momentum that has given rise to their power will soon prove to be the means of their defeat. In the words of an old time American comedic actor, Jimmy Durante, "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." PEACE has a lot of justice coming their way and the US will be its spearhead.
Politics
The biggest thing that will be affecting every nation of eRepublik is citizenship. The ramifications are as yet open to interpretation but it will certainly restrict some of the underhanded politics that has previously occurred. Gone are the days of foreign powers sending in political teams to temporarily disrupt voting and even take over a government. What will replace the PTO? Probably sleeper agents, paid turncoats, and multi-account/multi-national players. Whatever happens, friends, we guarantee you that dirty dealing is far from over.
_PEOPLE__________
In upcoming issues we'll be interviewing noteworthy individuals. For this first issue, you'll have the singular treat of meeting our Editor and Chief (who enjoys speaking in the third person).
Exalted, you have only been playing the game for a few weeks. Why are you jumping into something like a newspaper?
The easiest answer is that I enjoy writing and entertaining people. The Big Patootie gives me the venue to express myself, pass along some information that some might need to know, and hopefully give a smile or two along the way.
Why the name "The Big Patootie"?
Haha! Because it sounds ridiculous, as I'm sure I must from time to time. My organization is called the Cutie Patootie Death Commandos and the newspaper carries along the same silly theme.
Where do you get your information? How factual are you trying to be here on the Patootie?
As of yet I don't have any inside scoops or powerful contacts. I'm just a guy that does a little reading and cares a lot about my fellow Americans and their international standing. My intention is to inform but also amuse, so expect a lot of satire and tongue-in-cheek commentary in upcoming issues.
How do you feel about the recent political and military events?
Equal mixtures of disappointment, frustration, and hope. Great Britain siding with PEACE was a terrible loss in my mind and opened the floodgates. Though I don't have any inside knowledge about what contributed to this reversal of alignment, I think it had a lot to do with the US politicians making assumptions and putting little or no effort into maintaining a strong compact.
The military side of this, of course, is the invasion of eAmerican soil by the forces of PEACE. I was a bit slack-jawed when I started seeing our defeats. But I also believe that Americans are at our best when confronted with powerful obstacles. Much like with WWII, we will emerge leaner and meaner for the sacrifices and become what we should have been from the start: just and powerful.
What are your aspirations for this "rag," as you call it?
I'd really like to get involved in the forums and meet leaders from around the eWorld. I want to be a voice of patriotism and laughter here. If I can successfully manage that and have a hundred or so readers, I'd be a happy guy.
Troll Spotlight
This will be an unflattering blurb about the current most annoying troll of the eRepublik community. As with every other aspect of the Patootie, we welcome reader input. Please include links to the trolls antics and your opinion of them.
Reader Response
Another section we'll have to leave bare until we actually get some readership. Please vote and comment, people!
Welcome to the inaugural issue of the The Big Patootie. It is our hope that this little rag becomes an insightful, exciting, and entertaining source of news for a growing audience of the eRepublik. And what a memorable day to begin publication! This is the first day of eCitizenship and my beloved US of A is desperately defending against the forces of PEACE.
To establish a tradition and begin things right we would like to introduce our featured Cutie Patootie of the week, Miss Julie Winegardner! To show her patriotic support of our valiant defenders, our model is (sort of) wearing the fatigues of our beleaguered troops and flashing the "V" of our eventual victory! Go Julie!
Julie Winegardner
_EVENTS__________
On to current events!
Home Front
The largest setback to Fortress America's defense has been the recent loss of California. As one of our three strongholds, the state's fall marks a new low in our military efforts. The most demoralizing fact is that it could have been easily averted if our soldiers understood the mechanics of the game. Our troops stopped fighting and in the minutes following the elapsed time PEACE continued the battle, breaking the tie, and won the battle.
But don't lose hope my friends! Already PEACE has committed huge sums of gold to tank through our heartland with weapon-wielding grunts of Russian, French, Hungarian, and Indonesian origins. This bleeding of their resources as well as leaving their other occupied lands less defended, has already yielded fruit. Soon PEACE will realize, much as the Romans did when first confronting Hannibal's seemingly weak center at the Battle of Cannae, that they are exhausted and surrounded by the enemy. As with the Romans of those doomed legions, there will soon be nothing left for them but butchery and defeat.
International
Fortis, the eUSA's alliance with other nations, may soon be growing in membership. At present it includes only the USA and Canada with a proposed membership by Spain but this it seems is soon to change. More nations are finding a common cause with us against the scourge of PEACE.
PEACE is a multi-national military alliance bent on world domination and they have trodden over many to get where they are today. This very momentum that has given rise to their power will soon prove to be the means of their defeat. In the words of an old time American comedic actor, Jimmy Durante, "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down." PEACE has a lot of justice coming their way and the US will be its spearhead.
Politics
The biggest thing that will be affecting every nation of eRepublik is citizenship. The ramifications are as yet open to interpretation but it will certainly restrict some of the underhanded politics that has previously occurred. Gone are the days of foreign powers sending in political teams to temporarily disrupt voting and even take over a government. What will replace the PTO? Probably sleeper agents, paid turncoats, and multi-account/multi-national players. Whatever happens, friends, we guarantee you that dirty dealing is far from over.
_PEOPLE__________
In upcoming issues we'll be interviewing noteworthy individuals. For this first issue, you'll have the singular treat of meeting our Editor and Chief (who enjoys speaking in the third person).
Exalted, you have only been playing the game for a few weeks. Why are you jumping into something like a newspaper?
The easiest answer is that I enjoy writing and entertaining people. The Big Patootie gives me the venue to express myself, pass along some information that some might need to know, and hopefully give a smile or two along the way.
Why the name "The Big Patootie"?
Haha! Because it sounds ridiculous, as I'm sure I must from time to time. My organization is called the Cutie Patootie Death Commandos and the newspaper carries along the same silly theme.
Where do you get your information? How factual are you trying to be here on the Patootie?
As of yet I don't have any inside scoops or powerful contacts. I'm just a guy that does a little reading and cares a lot about my fellow Americans and their international standing. My intention is to inform but also amuse, so expect a lot of satire and tongue-in-cheek commentary in upcoming issues.
How do you feel about the recent political and military events?
Equal mixtures of disappointment, frustration, and hope. Great Britain siding with PEACE was a terrible loss in my mind and opened the floodgates. Though I don't have any inside knowledge about what contributed to this reversal of alignment, I think it had a lot to do with the US politicians making assumptions and putting little or no effort into maintaining a strong compact.
The military side of this, of course, is the invasion of eAmerican soil by the forces of PEACE. I was a bit slack-jawed when I started seeing our defeats. But I also believe that Americans are at our best when confronted with powerful obstacles. Much like with WWII, we will emerge leaner and meaner for the sacrifices and become what we should have been from the start: just and powerful.
What are your aspirations for this "rag," as you call it?
I'd really like to get involved in the forums and meet leaders from around the eWorld. I want to be a voice of patriotism and laughter here. If I can successfully manage that and have a hundred or so readers, I'd be a happy guy.
Troll Spotlight
This will be an unflattering blurb about the current most annoying troll of the eRepublik community. As with every other aspect of the Patootie, we welcome reader input. Please include links to the trolls antics and your opinion of them.
Reader Response
Another section we'll have to leave bare until we actually get some readership. Please vote and comment, people!
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Comments
Keep writing, it's the one of the best things I ever got into in the game.
Thanks friend! I think next time I will get some sleep before trying to put one of these things together. lol
Whoa. This is a very detailed article. Keep up with the good work!
Voted and subscribed.
v+s
Nice. voted