The Americans are coming!

Day 711, 16:50 • Published in United Kingdom New Zealand • by Daniel De Vito

The Americans are coming!

At some point in a colonial rebellion in the 18th century a cowardly rebel named Paul Revere spotted the arrival of the brave British army to restore order and promptly ran for the hills yelping about how the “British were coming”.

Now if you believe the American press, our turn to be invaded has arrived and what they amusingly entitle “operation teabag” is about to commence.

A simple look at the figures shows that we are up against the wall. They have about three times as many citizens as ourselves, so our survival as a free nation may depend upon our allies rushing to our aid.

If our attempts to remain free fail, what can the average Briton do to survive as part of the greater United States. Perhaps we should make the effort to understand cousins from across the pond. Hopefully the guidance below should help you understand our invaders more successfully.


Obesity

Americans are fat. You will be more successful in the eUSA if you are also fat. Change your profile picture to a picture of someone fat and eat constantly until the invaders arrive to assume the American mindset more successfully.


Simplicity

Americans are simple-minded people. It’s best if you stop believing in rational scientifically proven events such as evolution now and put it all down to being God’s will. If you ever find yourself confused by the goings on of the world around you, wy not wave an American flag and shout “USA” repeatedly.


Sports

American sports are much derided as being bizarre and out if step with the rest of the world. They aren’t. They are just dumbed down versions of established European games (see simplicity). If you apply the following conversions then your understanding will increase.

Nascar = Formula 1. But on a big oval to remove any element of skill from the contest.
American Football = Rugby. But with armour because the Americans are scared of mud and bruises.
Ice Hockey = Figure skating. But with armour and sticks instead of tutus.
Basketball = Netball.
Baseball = Rounders. A game played by 9 year old school kids in Britain and no-one else. Ever.


Inbreeding

In some American states I think it is mandatory to have intercourse with your cousins. It is unclear whether this policy would be exported to us, but my cousin is kind of cute…


Religion

The American version of god seems to spend most of his time hating liberals, gays, environmental activisists and anyone who doesn’t fit in. The british version of god wears a cardigan, and doesn’t give a toss what we do so long as he can go back to sleep and not be disturbed.


Music

Apparently Americans invented modern music. Therefore all the bands you love should thank America for their existence. Fine. I’ll accept this. However any nation that can inflict Billy Ray Cyrus upon the world needs to be stopped.

For this reason alone, I advocate resisting any American incursion until the last man.

The Snooper’s advice is that you buy youself a gun and stand ready to kill rednecks.