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Time to laugh 🙂

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Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
Customer: "I can't get it to do."
Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
Customer: "Okey dokey."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
Customer: "I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
Customer: "Wood."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
Customer: "A bunch of names."
Tech Support: "Like what?"
Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
Tech Support: "Mike."
April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
Tech Support: "No problem."
April: "How old are you?"
Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What do you see?"
April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
April: "Ninety-something I guess."
Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
April: "What is this?"
Tech Support: "What did it do?"
April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"

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Customer: "Me machine's broke."
Me: "Ok, what wrong with it?"
Customer: "I've just tole yer -- IT'S BROKE!"
Me: "Ok, so what's it doing wrong?"
Customer: "Nothing."

...

Me: "Is there anything on the screen?"
Customer: "Yeh, garbage."
Me: "What sort of garbage?"
Customer: "I've tole yer -- garbage."

...

Me: "Can you read out the garbage to me?"
Customer: "P-L-E-A-S-E P-R-E-S-S E-N-T-E ...... !" (click)

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Customer: "Right! I demand satisfaction!"
Tech Support: "I see. Well, I'm here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?"
Customer: "It's not my problem! The 'commuter' I bought six weeks ago just won't work! I can't do a damned thing with it!"
Tech Support: "I see. Do you mean it won't even switch on, or is it something else?"
Customer: "Don't try to sandbag me! I know my rights!"
Tech Support: "Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?"
Customer: "I've called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good."
Tech Support: "Ok, so are you saying that you're having problems getting on-line?"
Customer: "Look, it doesn't work! I want satisfaction!"
Tech Support: "Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem."
Customer: "Fine, but I doubt you're going to fix it."
Tech Support: "Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?"
Customer: "How would I know if it's plugged in?"
Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is)
Customer: "Yes, that's just how mine looks, and it doesn't work, so just accept that it's broken!"
Tech Support: "Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?"
Customer: "I have to wire the stupid thing in?"

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Me: "For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?"
Her: "But I don't have the file!"
Me: "What file!?"
Her: "You know, the file."
Me: "Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?"
Her: "Don't you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!"
Me: "Just press the button even if the file still hasn't 'downloaded' yet."
Her: "Ok. Well, nothing's happ-- oh, it's got some gibberish written over it now. It's blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!"
Me: "Yes, that's what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I'm happy the problem's fixed. Bye!"
Her: "But--"

Click.

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Tech Support: "Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D."
Customer: "Wait a minute, don't run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing."
Tech Support: "Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?"
Customer: "Where is that start button? Oh, here is is. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Um, did you click it?"
Customer: "Dammit, no, do that now?"
Tech Support: "Yes, then click on the word Run."
Customer: "Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?"
Tech Support: "Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen."
Customer: "I already clicked Start. Click it again?"
Tech Support: "No, it should be there in the lower left corner."
Customer: "Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?"
Tech Support: "Sure, why not? We'll see if that works. Did you click it?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D."
Customer: "Slow down, dammit!! I'm not a programmer!!! I told you I'm only a car dealer!!"
Tech Support: "Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?"
Customer: "Z."
Tech Support: "No, we need 'C' like 'Charlie.'"
Customer: "C-H-A-R--"
Tech Support: "Not the whole word 'Charlie,' sir, just the 'C,' please."
Customer: "If you don't want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?"
Tech Support: "Um, what's in the box now?"
Customer: "I'm trying to find the eraser here."
Tech Support: "Just hit the backspace key."
Customer: "That just moves it further to the right without typing anything."
Tech Support: "Which backspace key did you press?"
Customer: "The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side."

Eventually, we "found" the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C.

Tech Support: "Now that we just have a 'C' there, type an 'M,' like 'Mary,' but just the 'M,' ok?"
Customer: "M-O-K."
Tech Support: "Remember that backspace key?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Press it twice."
Customer: "All right, but it took off the 'O' and 'K' you wanted."
Tech Support: "Never mind that, I'll live. Now type a 'D,' just the letter D."
Customer: "D. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Now press the enter key."
Customer: "E-N-T-E-R."
Tech Support: "Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?"
Customer: "Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in in an hour. You want to talk to her?"
Tech Support: "Yes, please."

---

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."