Rico and Loco: Better than F**king Baloney Sandwiches

Day 1,443, 08:06 • Published in South Africa Sweden • by Jizzie McGuire

So The Sexy Times is back after a long hiatus and many may ask “why bother?” Well that’s a good question. Most of my subscribers are probably long dead and many will wonder "who really gives a crap what an ornery old bum of an e😜resident has to say anyway?" Jeez you guys, that’s not very nice of you to say and that is a very disrespectful attitude to take towards a barely respected elder. To those who take that stance, I say screw you and get off my damn driveway. For those who are somewhat curious, read on.

I can't believe I actually wrote an article for these two clowns

Ever since I met my herring choking Cockholmer friends Rico Suave and Locutus over 3 years ago, I have encouraged them to run for office. I did this because of three factors 1) they are total a-holes like me, 2) because they probably won’t screw the country up as much as I did, and 3) because having Socialist-Communist Swedes running eSA would finally make eR fun again.

Rico and his adoptive father in better times

They also have a crapload of military experience, are very active in eR politics, foreign affairs, and on the eSA forum, and they are smart guys who will pick a capable and knowledgeable cabinet. They are also incredibly honest and open to a fault, so you can bombard them with inane e-mails full of stupid requests and personal favors all you want. They are also so open and sincere that if and when they do steal from the taxpayers or do something illegal, they’d be naïve enough to admit to it publicly. But who really cares about all that boring stuff? I play eR to mess around and have fun, and they are two of the main reasons I’m still playing this dumb game.

Loco cannot be stopped. He even ASSimilated this joker

I can think of no better candidates for the office of CP and VP than the damn, dirty ape and mi Vato Loco, and their candidacy is the only thing that could possibly pry me from my complacency and lavish lifestyle to actually waste my time writing an article. Both were early members of the legendary Black Lion Front and are founding members of the Dignity Brigade, so you know they have the skills and experience, otherwise I would have told them to go F themselves years ago.

Rico will go ballistic if you don't vote for him

The stoopid monkey and El Pollo Loco have been congressmen numerous times and have always stood for a proud, strong and independent eSouth Africa. The filthy ape has been my right hand man in the DB since we started it, while the Borg bastard has run our MU, our businesses and accounts ably and with hardly any corruption ever since we started generating tons of weapons and cash for ourselves over 2 years ago. There is no one I trust more than these two douchebags to run the country, including myself, for what that’s worth.

Rico and Locutus will go all the way for eSA

Therefore I say to you, citizens of eSouth Africa: if you believe in a strong, independent and fairly safe eSouth Africa and trust in the words of former president Jizzibald McGuire, then your only real choice for president and VP in November is the colitma-throwing simian, Rico Suave, and his partner the bald, Borg SOB Locutus. Oh wait, since most of you probably don’t trust in what I say, just pay attention to that first part about a strong, sovereign, somewhat safe eSA. Vote Rico and Loco and I guarantee a better, more exciting and only slightly corrupt government. Stay sexy my friends.