Mamas (Do) Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be eAmericans

Day 761, 16:55 • Published in USA Ireland • by Reactionist

So I was thinking (typically a bad idea), who would be better than an eAmerican to date a girl? I mean if I was a dad (pray that I'm not yet), I would absolutely be down with my little angel dating an eCitizen. I mean really, we are the cream of the crop of eSociety, and probably RL society as well. So I thought of an over-arching list of good qualities that any father would love in a potential courter (do they still use that word anywhere other than where I'm from?).

So here it is...

1. eAmericans are extremely prone to loyalty. Whether it be the ePresident, Jewitt (I'm naming my second son after him), Seal Team 6, their eReligion, or the country itself (I'm naming my first son Mycountrytisofthee), eAmericans will follow their loyalties off the edge of the eWorld. In this day and age, where else can you find loyalty like that? If that loyalty can be attached to a virtual society, imagine the strength of the loyalty to a concrete girl...

2. eAmericans are intelligent (er, mostly). I have seen more politically, economically, and militarily profound articles on eRepublik than you ever will on any RL news outlet. Obviously, the design of the modules dumb down many factors out of necessity, but really? I mean some awesome stuff comes out of freelance writers just out to give information and make their mark on eSociety. These eAmericans could conceivably make a similar impact on RL society...

3. eAmericans are fighters. But not just fighters for the sake of fighting. No, we are born in a culture of war, a culture of righteous war against the forces of evil. We fight for honor, not some distant vague concept but a very real honor that pervades society. So, sir, will I defend and protect your daughter's honor? Yes...

4. eAmericans have an innate sense of justice. Are we taught it? No of course not. We feel it, it comes naturally through our souls (and subscriptions to DoD orders). We are right they are wrong. And, we will show them in a fair way. No multi-ing, no hacking, no sabotage. So eAmericans will never be in trouble with the RL law enforcement (unless its justified)...

5. eAmericans are wealthy. Many spend tons of money on gold packs. If they can do that, imagine the price he will pay for your daughter (need new golf clubs? Selling your little girl isn't immoral if she loves him)...

6. eAmericans have people skills. Most of our time is spent chatting and writing. We know how to talk the talk. Your daughter will not be in the hands of some slob who will melt in social situations and make her look bad, no he will be the toast of the party (unless he starts talking about ePolitics)...

7. Finally, eAmericans are safe dates for your daughter. You will not have to worry about an eAmerican sneaking into your house at night to be mischievous with her (or vice versa). No, he will be at his computer faithfully awaiting server reset to attack Iran just one more time...

So for all you eAmericans out there who have that girl, and you just want the extra edge... You're welcome. Feel free to print this list off and give it to her dad (or mom if she's the head of the household) as a resume of sorts. Its guaranteed (not really) to work. And, if this doesn't, join the Boy Scouts.

Erin Go Bragh,
God Bless eUSA,
Reactionist

*Copyright 2009
** If this is not as profound and amusing as it is meant to be, forgive me, it was conceived in my sickness-induced delirium at three o'clock last night.