Longbaugh the Dioist

Day 637, 00:02 • Published in Indonesia Pakistan • by Longbaugh
"In the ancient times, there was nothing but sand.
Sand randomly evolving without time or space."



I have always been an administ.

Upon the shocking death of darkplayer82, I went went on the wiki and started brushing up on the history of the New World. It's rife with Dio.

I had always lumped all Dioists into the same bunch—I've been a staunch critic of Dio Brando, his son Dio Akira, and his grandson Dio Maksas, and all who worshiped them for the majority of my eLife. I'll admit, however, that I've nevertheless always admired the god-like mastery of this game to the point where an entire nation is forever Dio Brando's. When the God-Emperor heeds the call for his sons and daughters to come home to Pakistan, they will.

I researched all the branches: Lidoxa, Yusuphist Dioism, Lidoxan Dioism, and the illustrious Theocracy. However, it was Dioism, the roots and the trunk, that grabbed my attention above the fray.

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The Ceremony of /v/irginization

The Rite of Rayt
The ritual begins with a reading of The First Circle, to prepare the untested citizen's mind for the test of their faith. They strip nude (to expose their skin). Then, the untested is smothered in sand from the base of Ketu from head to toe. One of two things will happen; the positive result is they feel a pleasurable tingling on their skin, and the negative result is the gruesome and violent combustion of their body.

The Rite of Baraf
As soon as the untested passes the first test (and only if they pass), the Dioist conducting the ceremony recites The Second Circle to prepare their soul for a test of their ancestry. The naked citizen is promptly covered in snow from the summit of Ketu. Again, one of two things will happen; the positive result is the snow slumping and melting off of the untested, and the negative result is horrific devolution into a Swede (who is then killed on sight).

The Rite of Jawaani
After the untested has proven himself to have the blood of the chosen people, the Dioist conducting the ceremony will then inform him that the president has been kidnapped by ninjas. The conductor will then have the untested complete a game of Bad Dudes without losing any lives to prove his manhood to Dio, as Pakistan has no room for prissy boys. If they are a bad enough dude to save the president, they will have earned the title of /v/irgin, however, if they fail, they will gain the lesser title of GameFAG (who is then deported to the United States).

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The Three Books

The Book of Dio
The Circles of Dio
The Trumpets of Dio

Having been personally blessed by the God-Emperor himself, I am now a Dioist and I encourage you all to read these books. As He said unto me, "You have my blessing. Spread the word, spread the joy, spread the love. Dioism will prevail."

Long live Dio... He fights for you too.



PRIDE, POWER, PAKISTAN!