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This, apparently, is an actual PASSPORT LETTER received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and I still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and that they know I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me "where I was bloody born" and "on what date".
Do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book. It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my National Health card. It's on my driving licence. It's on my car insurance. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years. It's on all those insufferable census forms I have been on over the last 60 years.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change because they have been dead for years or between now and when I die!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit from you! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address! What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of this poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day Nooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's "really me" on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile on? (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Citizen


P.S. I have traced my family tree back to 925 AD so I assume that I am entitled to live here.Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years therefore enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -you know, "someone like my doctor" .


WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!