Keeping up with the News: Late Night Edition

Day 450, 18:36 Published in USA Bulgaria by Jewitt

A late-night issue of The Report, brought to you by Brawndo. It’s got electrolytes!

eUSA Happenings

Well eNation, it’s official! The hallowed halls of Congress are to no longer be called “Congress,” but by congressional opinion are to be now called “Teh House of Representin’,” and should be referred to as such. This comes just days after a call for “Moar fun” in the eUSA. Other terms that are acceptable are “THoR’,” “Teh House,” and “Das Haus.”

In reaction, many congressional representatives have begun to “represent” their states by describing their area codes other than the states themselves. When asked what state some congressmen “repped” from, the response from Illing Inc, “yo yo yo the 402 is checking in,” was absolutely unforgiving. Presidential Candidate himself Congressman “Scrabshady” Scrabman even commented, “I'm pouring some water for ma hommies in the 304.” Jewitt, Kyle321N, Gates Schellinger, and PrincessMedyPi all declined an interview.

Regardless of these situations in THoR’, the Economic Council is fighting away at a new tax plan to present to congress – or rather, Teh House. “It’s very difficult to estimate the spending habits of the citizens,” commented One Eye in an exclusive commentary. So far the Economic Council has fought to deal with three base structures: High VAT, Low Income; Low VAT, High Income; and a mediation of the two. Note that “low” is described as 8% or less and “high” is described at 14% or higher.

Many representatives, such as Former President Justinious McWalburgson III, have argued for low income and high VAT, giving the right of the paychecks back to the eAmerican people. Others have argued the opposite, that without a VAT at all prices will fall and will outweigh any loses that may occur with a higher income tax. Still, the argument remains and should have a presentation by sometime of next week.

International Happenings

Spain fought Portugal and won, victoriously. Fighting were not only Portuguese defenders, but PEACE GC also sent in their own “freedom fighters” and, although unconfirmed by The Report, an Armored Cavalry came in at the last minute and a tank fight occurred. There have also been reports that the Spanish took a two-hour nap to “allow” the Portuguese to “catch up.” When asked about this, a person dressed and using the same nick as William Shafer said, while boasting a wife-beater shirt, “It was for the lulz.” Obviously Spain loves to show their guns; and not the Q5 kind either.

Singapore, Malaysia, and Serbia have all been added to the game, and Serbia immediately complimented over a hundred new citizens. Singapore also grew substantially, though Malaysia lagged on the first day of their existence. Many eAmericans have expressed interest in moving to these new countries to help them, including Former Presidents Dover and McWalburgson III.

eUSAian Rawr

As to our own battle with Portugal, President Uncle Sam promised a battle at 18:00 eRep Time. He failed, miserably, by twenty minutes. Some commented that it was the longest twenty minutes on the planet. “I could have sworn I saw my new-painted walls flake off their paint,” commented Panther.

Jewitt himself called for an impeachment of the President. “This is unacceptable. If I am on time for once, shouldn’t our President at least be no more than five minutes late? I need five approvals, who has them?” Unfortunately for Jewitt, there were no congressmen willing to lend their approvals. He did, however, gain six approvals from non-legislative persons.

The Report is Reaching the Masses

The Report is glad to announce it has finally reached 190 subscribers, placing it in 11th of the eUS Media Rankings, just behind Joe DaSmoe’s own news outlet and passing PrincessMedyPi’s “A Timely Bitch.” The Report would like to thank everyone except their Spanish Public Relations department which has been on strike for the past four articles.

Job Opportunities Available!

Because Unions have yet to infiltrate these P.R. assistants in Spain have been fired after two weeks of negotiations and The Report will be opening up an office in Albania. Seriously, they wanted 8 ESP an hour, what the Duce? They were being paid 2.30 ESP and we even tried to compromise at 1.80 ESP. They would not accept.

If any Albanians would love a progressive and mobile career in the Media Industry, The Jewitt Report is for you! Starting at 1.25 ALB, you can work your way up to the head of Public Relations, a job which is paid 2 ALB plus lots of benefits, such as a 4 foot by 5 foot office! Apply through comments. The Report is an Albanian Opportunity Employer, registered Society for the Excellence in Media, and a product of Jewron Incorporated.

To do List:

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After reading all of that, think to yourself: Are you angry, upset, or feel like this was not the usual Report material? Well, the latter is true, but the first two should not apply. This was meant to be satirical, so enjoy!

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-Jewitt, Chief Editor