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ireland pictured shortly before its tragic death.

SOME NEWS AND OTHER THINGS ISSUE #2


INTERNATIONAL CRISIS AS eUK BREAKS SECRET-SANTA SPENDING LIMIT

There was international condemnation after the eUK government today admitted breaking the £20 spending limit of the annual Atlantis secret santa, spending a total of £24.32.

Having drawn Brazil out of the hat, now ex Finance Minister Rayf Drayson had presented Brazil with a pair of black woolen mittens, a cheap bottle of red wine and a pocket joke book. Atlantis President Meiko spoke out, saying 'the UK has made us all look like fools? Why did they have to do this? Why now?' Meiko was not able to complete the interview, descending into uncontrollable sobbing.

The situation got worse as the day went on however, as the world realized no-one has heard from Brazil for over a week. Lead secret-santa gift researcher at Oxford University, Rastari suggested 'Its possible thousands if not millions of Brazilians who had not received the appropriate jabs and medication could have had an adverse reaction to the jokes in the pocket book. The situation is grave.'

Drayson has since issued an official apology on behalf of his former-office stating 'mistakes with the secret-santa will never happen again, we just wanted Brazil to be happy'. It is expected that Atlantis will remove eUK in its ranks tomorrow afternoon after an emergency meeting in the morning.





KEEP 'EM UNDER CONTROL!

Today, members of MDU, TUP and UKRP united at a mass demonstration in London, with over 7 people shouting, looking angry and at least two could be described as having been upset to the point of tears. The protest was sparked by a growing belief in the eUK community that the People's Communist Party - a group of largely 14-16 year old angry anti-state teenagers who hate their parents, are failing to keep their hormones under control - with several being described as allowed to run wild in the streets of Bristol, Brighton, Swansea and other prominent towns throughout the country.

Although there is a long history of tension between the state and PCP, the gravity of the situation increased recently, after teen mob leader Stan Wephen didn't get the Wii he wanted for Christmas which sparked an anti-authority tirade. Earlier this morning the MDU UKRP TUP Party Presidents gave a joint press conference in which they labelled the PCP 'silly' and 'tw*ts'.



eIRELAND DIES

It is with great sadness that this publication must report to the world community the tragic and sudden death of eIreland which happened late last night. The once happy and healthy country suffered what is known as SCD - or sudden country death, becoming the third country after Norway and Syria in just two months to suffer this dreadful fate.

Navy ships from various countries will be gathering at the spot where Ireland once stood tomorrow in salute, though the funeral is not scheduled till early next week.


BOB BOBLO MARRIES-SELF

After 30 years of haunting the personal columns, 63 year old Bob Boblo has finally decided to commit himself to himself for the rest of his life. Vicar Hazzn announced him as Husband shortly before midday on New Years Day, and the single was said to look extremely happy. Boblo thanks all those who sent flowers, and bought gifts and promises to send out thank you's after he has returned from honey-moon with himself in the romantic destination of Hawaii.


LOST AND FOUND

A large vibrating egg has been lost by the UKRP. There is a reward of 6 for any reader who can supply information leading to its discovery.If sighte😛 It answers to a high pitched whistle. Approach it with caution.








Tommy 'OK OK' Tommasino