Indonesians Begin Investing in Swimsuits

Day 655, 12:55 • Published in USA USA • by Hari Michaelson
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Brb, dead.

-Editor-on-the-Edge-
Hari Michaelson
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Nation's Soliders Given Floaties, Nose Clips

In light of their recent expulsion from California, Indonesia's troops stationed in the occupied territory of Hawaii began recieving government-funded supplies of swim suits and snorkels.

"This is just...a precaution." Remarked one Indonesian Officer "Better safe than soggy, am I right? Ha...ha...God..." The Officer was unavailable for further comment as he began to shake uncontrollably while trying to apply sun-tan lotion.

In addition to the new supplies, Indonesian troops have begun to take time away from military training in order to attend lessons in swimming, snorkeling, and advanced drowning. New organizational changes have begun to be implemented amongst the Indonesian ranks, with soldiers being grouped according to their ability to perform the breastroke and how long they can hold their breath. Rumors have begun to circulate of a supposed "Elite Doggypaddle Unit" comprised of Indonesia's top swimmers.

Our reporter in the field [NAME WITHELD TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT] was able to obtain a few pages from top secret Indonesian swim instruction manuals, featured below:


English Translation: Children make excellent bait, American soldiers love to feed on the blood of the young.


English Translation: NO RUNNING NEAR THE POOL


English Translation: Do not show fear, even in the face of death. Trying to protect yourself with your arm is useless.

When asked about his opinion on the Indonesian preparations, Eugene Harlot was quoted as saying "Indo don't surf."
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