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I almost forgot to fill you in on some important news!

Remember a while back we talked about some problems I had with the transvestite Vietnamese mafia? Well, they impregnated me. Don't ask me how, because I thought men couldn't have babies. The doctor says I have some unique body chemistry brought on by too much Surge soda in my developmental years. Anyway, in the middle of a vicious gang rape by semi-hot Vietnamese transvestite gangsters, I was fertilized and impregnated. Oh god, the horror. It was a tough pregnancy, which lots of vomiting and hurt feelings. Also, I got some real bad piles. I wasn't very popular with the ladies during this time, either. And I got some real bad stretch marks:


sickest!

I suffered through my nine months like a man, i.e. whining and constantly pleading for the sweet release of death. The doctor, who by this time was convinced I was carrying the spawn of the dark lord himself, insisted that I allow a priest to perform an exorcism, which wasn't too bad, although I shat myself during the process. On a side note, I also took up amateur boxing during that pregnancy, a hobby that I retain to this day. Go me!

Lots of suffering through delivery and, long story short, it turns out I'm not the father, so the state didn't make me pay child support.



Thanks for listening, I really had to get that off my chest.