If I Were In Congress (There'd Be More Pie, Fer Darn Sure)

Day 514, 13:11 • Published in USA USA • by LuckyNumber85

This newspaper article was written before a live studio audience.

Welcome to Studio 85 for another edition of Missouri Route 85!

No interview today, mainly because it turns out my readers are even lazier than I am. So instead it's time for some good old fashioned editorializing. I may be too inexperienced to run for congress, and I'm certainly not clever enough to hack through the BS of being in congress, but I do have exactly the right amount of experience and the exact right amount of BS of my own to be an armchair quarterback. So here, in the world famous Who, What, When, Where & How--
What LuckyNumber85 Would Do In Congress

Who says you have to spend 85 hours a day reading forums and IRC?
Lots of people, that's who. And while I won't go so far as to say those people are morons, I certainly won't stop the rest of you. I believe that yes, a certain amount of dedication is required to be an eCongressperson. But not at the expense of the non-e life. So in my imaginary perfect eCongress (IPeC), I would promise to take part in game completely, with the understanding that countless hours of debate out of game are usually pointless and unlikely to persuade anyone.

What should the government do about the economy?
As little as possible. Fact is it's grown large enough that it's the height of folly to think a few simple eCongress bills will change it drastically. Not to say that my IPeC would do nothing, but they would understand the best you can do is nudge it in the "right direction" (whatever that means), and trying to control it any further is at best a waste of resources, or at worst a guarantee that the economy will do exactly what you don't want it to do.

When are we going to take over the rest of the world?
Never...well, maybe not never, but not in the way some of you think. My IPeC would only go to war in defense of the eUS or her allies...BUT--if we were attacked by an aggressor, we should feel free to give back with interest. One of our states gets attacked? Why don't we just rescue it, and take one more from you for our trouble, and call it even. This way we can all work together--from the tree-hugging-no-war-hippies to the nuke-em-from-orbit-war-mongers. And in times of peace? Keep the wargames coming, fast & furious.

Where is that next Q5 hospital gonna sprout up?
*shameless constituency vote grab* Why, Missouri of course. */shameless* Actually though, probably not. I love this eState as much as anyone, but I think the best argument for hospital locating is to pull a Taco Bell & head for the border. Once all our borders are fully Q5'ed, then we can move inward. Same with Defense systems.

How would your IPeC get all this done?
Easy, we'd work together for the mutual benefit of all eAmericans....
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Ok, enough laughing, you in back calm down. That's why I called this an Imaginary Perfect eCongress. Suffice it to say, it would never happen in real life. But I'll do what I always do. Stick to voting for what I believe in (including free pie for everyone). Working with those who agreed with me. Compromising only if it helped accomplish those goals.

*Bonus Question*
Why would you want to be an eCongressperson? It sounds horrible
I'd do it for the money, the power, and the prestige. But mostly I'd do it because I was bored. As the saying goes, sometimes the best leaders are those who don't give a wet slap about anything at all.


Lucky's Parting Thoughts
There you have it, there's what my IPeC would accomplish and stand for. Why do an article on this? Mostly because I wanted to write an article and this was the first thing that came to mind.
But also, maybe someone will read this and think to themselves "You know what, that dude is dead on".
And then a few days down the road that person will think to themselves, "You know what, I should run for congress and steal some of the ideas that Lucky fella had."
And once they'd won, they'd think to themselves "You know what, screw my ideals, I'm going to shamelessly sell my vote to the highest bidder."
And then I'd write one more impassioned article, and they'd think to themselves "Eh, this is boring. I'm giving all my cash to LuckyNumber85 and retiring to eJamaica."

And if that's not the American dream at work, I don't know what is.

Thanks for tuning in to yet another edition of Missouri Route 85. Don't forget--we torture the facts so that you don't have to. Live from Studio 85, this has been

-LuckyNumber85