History of the World, Part 1A - Fever Dreams
Day 1,087, 19:17
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Published in USA 
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by
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by Heather Fuchs
Our story continues…
Grnah (the first Mobile Infantrywoman, for those of you who forgot, were not paying attention or didn’t much care in the first place) returned victorious to the village of Pyncwr (“place where there is slightly less cow poop than that other place over there”) after her encounter with the messenger monkey and his flying-poo greeting. She brought with her the idol of Skrim in all of its three-jawed squirrel-tailed glory and presented it to the tribal elders. The elders looked at her and the sacred object she bore and wrinkled their noses in disgust before looking away and returning to deep contemplation of their toenails. Realizing that they did not recognize the holy relic (or her, for that matter) because of its lackluster monkey-poo coating, she brought it over to the town elephant and convinced the elephant to hose down both her and the idol, mainly by poking it in the eye with her (now shorter and less pointy than before the raid on Snrbzapta) stick until it got angry enough to take up a trunkful of water and squirt her.
Victorious and now clean, she returned to the village square with her prize held aloft. The villagers fell down in awe and began to chant their worship of the idol, and the elders, now realizing what she had done, rose from their seats to greet her. She proudly brought the idol to the elders, and, taking it from her, they lifted it over their heads and cried out “Clah gerb brend snrt fubble!” (translation: The monkey has chosen this fool to return our rightful ruler to his place). The villagers cheered, and Grnah humbly accepted their adulation, tossing her very short somewhat un-pointy stick in the air. The elders then called for a feast in honor of Skrim (the exact words are not recorded in the histories, but suffice it to say there were a lot of consonants and very few vowels). Then they busted out the sacred frogs and passed them around, and everyone had a celebratory lick. Or twelve.
The party raged on into the wee hours of the morning. By then, Grnah had had one too many hits from the frog, and she fell into a deep sleep, bordering on coma. And as she slept, she dreamed…
She stood on the banks of the Blbruwawa (“rushing torrent of bat-guano”) River clad in raiments of colors she couldn’t name, mostly because everything in those days was brown and green with the occasional yellow thrown in for variety. Ahead of her, floating above the river, the nameless monkey god and Skrim, the three-jawed town mascot, turned to her and spoke these words (again, translated because I can’t convince my cat to walk across the keyboard again):
“Grnah, you and your spiritual descendants shall transform the world, from its earliest roots to the towering heights of achievement, from sea to shining sea and then inland a bit, from one end of the giant square of the world to the other corner.”
People in those days thought the world was a big square. Silly people.
The idols continue
At his bidding, nations shall arise, cities shall be built, peoples shall amass, and the world shall be vibrant with life. Peace shall come from the east, while a dead sea civilization shall rise up from the waters. A bird shall spring from the ashes of war, and the garden shall be found anew. Lands shall give forth their crops, and the workers shall make of the bounty wonders untold! And through it all, your descendants and your descendants' descendants shall fight for what is theirs, and sometimes what is not theirs, and the world shall tremble at the sound of their feet and the pointiness of their sticks.
But beware this: a day shall come when the Enlightened One shall be struck down! A plague of harpies, four in number, will descend upon him and wreak havoc, plucking at his eyes first, then his limbs, and finally his heart, hoping to gain his strength even as they deprive him of his lifeblood. These harpies shall come in dissembling guise, claiming to want to help him better the world he will create, but they are poison!”
Grnah replied in her dream, confused, “But how shall we know him, he who comes in the name of the Skrim?”
“You shall know him by his toga,” they replied. Skrim promptly turned into a dolphin and swam away, while the nameless monkey-god began to caper and cavort on the surface of the river before splitting into a banana and making like a tree.
Much disturbed by what she had seen, Grnah awoke in a sweat…
To be further continued…
Once again, you should join the eUS Military! Fight alongside your countrymen! Make friends! Try to take over the world! Lick celebratory frogs! Oh, and take orders from a talking ape.
If you’re stronger than a complete newbie (updated requirements are forthcoming), you too could be a member of the Mobile Infantry!!!
If not, then get your military career started in the Training Corps!
(Respectfully) submitted,
Captain Spamgobbler
Press Officer
PCO, Charlie-7
eUS Mobile Infantry
Grnah (the first Mobile Infantrywoman, for those of you who forgot, were not paying attention or didn’t much care in the first place) returned victorious to the village of Pyncwr (“place where there is slightly less cow poop than that other place over there”) after her encounter with the messenger monkey and his flying-poo greeting. She brought with her the idol of Skrim in all of its three-jawed squirrel-tailed glory and presented it to the tribal elders. The elders looked at her and the sacred object she bore and wrinkled their noses in disgust before looking away and returning to deep contemplation of their toenails. Realizing that they did not recognize the holy relic (or her, for that matter) because of its lackluster monkey-poo coating, she brought it over to the town elephant and convinced the elephant to hose down both her and the idol, mainly by poking it in the eye with her (now shorter and less pointy than before the raid on Snrbzapta) stick until it got angry enough to take up a trunkful of water and squirt her.
Victorious and now clean, she returned to the village square with her prize held aloft. The villagers fell down in awe and began to chant their worship of the idol, and the elders, now realizing what she had done, rose from their seats to greet her. She proudly brought the idol to the elders, and, taking it from her, they lifted it over their heads and cried out “Clah gerb brend snrt fubble!” (translation: The monkey has chosen this fool to return our rightful ruler to his place). The villagers cheered, and Grnah humbly accepted their adulation, tossing her very short somewhat un-pointy stick in the air. The elders then called for a feast in honor of Skrim (the exact words are not recorded in the histories, but suffice it to say there were a lot of consonants and very few vowels). Then they busted out the sacred frogs and passed them around, and everyone had a celebratory lick. Or twelve.
The party raged on into the wee hours of the morning. By then, Grnah had had one too many hits from the frog, and she fell into a deep sleep, bordering on coma. And as she slept, she dreamed…
She stood on the banks of the Blbruwawa (“rushing torrent of bat-guano”) River clad in raiments of colors she couldn’t name, mostly because everything in those days was brown and green with the occasional yellow thrown in for variety. Ahead of her, floating above the river, the nameless monkey god and Skrim, the three-jawed town mascot, turned to her and spoke these words (again, translated because I can’t convince my cat to walk across the keyboard again):
“Grnah, you and your spiritual descendants shall transform the world, from its earliest roots to the towering heights of achievement, from sea to shining sea and then inland a bit, from one end of the giant square of the world to the other corner.”
People in those days thought the world was a big square. Silly people.
The idols continue
😛“A day shall come when a great man, one like the world has never seen, shall arise in the East and enlighten the world! He shall bring with him knowledge, power, strength and majesty. The world shall tremble at his every request, and his toga and snowy beard shall be feared throughout the nations.
At his bidding, nations shall arise, cities shall be built, peoples shall amass, and the world shall be vibrant with life. Peace shall come from the east, while a dead sea civilization shall rise up from the waters. A bird shall spring from the ashes of war, and the garden shall be found anew. Lands shall give forth their crops, and the workers shall make of the bounty wonders untold! And through it all, your descendants and your descendants' descendants shall fight for what is theirs, and sometimes what is not theirs, and the world shall tremble at the sound of their feet and the pointiness of their sticks.
But beware this: a day shall come when the Enlightened One shall be struck down! A plague of harpies, four in number, will descend upon him and wreak havoc, plucking at his eyes first, then his limbs, and finally his heart, hoping to gain his strength even as they deprive him of his lifeblood. These harpies shall come in dissembling guise, claiming to want to help him better the world he will create, but they are poison!”
Grnah replied in her dream, confused, “But how shall we know him, he who comes in the name of the Skrim?”
“You shall know him by his toga,” they replied. Skrim promptly turned into a dolphin and swam away, while the nameless monkey-god began to caper and cavort on the surface of the river before splitting into a banana and making like a tree.
Much disturbed by what she had seen, Grnah awoke in a sweat…
To be further continued…
Once again, you should join the eUS Military! Fight alongside your countrymen! Make friends! Try to take over the world! Lick celebratory frogs! Oh, and take orders from a talking ape.
If you’re stronger than a complete newbie (updated requirements are forthcoming), you too could be a member of the Mobile Infantry!!!
If not, then get your military career started in the Training Corps!
(Respectfully) submitted,
Captain Spamgobbler
Press Officer
PCO, Charlie-7
eUS Mobile Infantry
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Comments
Join the MI! Take one too many hits from the frog!
Just to make fun of the Euroweenies: 2rd
JOIN THE MI!!!!
Wow that was pretty epic
o7
On the bounce... <0
MI rocks
JOIN THE MI!
wall of text : P
moar pictures
hahaha oh funny funny 😃