Gaius Julius Totally Not Hacked, Reports Gaius Julius

Day 685, 14:41 • Published in USA USA • by Hari Michaelson
---Letter-From-The-Editor---

Cheese.

That is all.

-Editor-on-the-Edge-
-Hari Michaelson
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"I am for making ok fine!1!" says 100% eMerican President

Claims regarding the hacking of eMerican President Gaius Julius' account, in light of his so-called "insane" decision to launch attacks against Mexico, Portugal, France, and the eUK, have been squashed by an official statement from the President that claimed "I ams not to be haxxed lol 😃"

"Well thank God" said one observer "for a second there I thought we were in hot water. Crush the French!"

The fully authentic Gaius then went on to explain his actions to the eMerican people:

"lol its for we am in F/E and against us am is PEACE, so for not true can we to allow let for ruling of win am they, no? Cheer! For calm, eUSa, for calm am I! PETRAMAXXX!"

Orders have already begun to travel through the eUSA's military to "make for destroying PEACE GC LOL" with "imminent for total".

Despite the President's claims otherwise, the Admin team has still decided to launch an investigation "just in case." The President was highly displeased upon hearing this news, flying into an angry tirade of "ADMINS ARE AM SO FAILMAXXX" and angry-face emoticons.

When asked about their involvement regarding the hacking, PEACE GC leaders were unavailable for comment. We can only take their massive trolling in the forums to mean "We didn't do it...but if we did, here's how".

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The Muckraker: Billy Mays' ghost approves.