Fear and Loathing in the Airborne

Day 1,207, 14:32 • Published in USA USA • by Andy Dufresne

Born on Day 555, I cut my teeth during World War III. Leading a platoon of the Mobile Infantry we pushed PEACE forces out the of country and became whole again. Shortly after the war I was engaged in an intense battle. Unable to gain and hold ground, the battle had developed into a stalemate. My eyes averted to the horizon and I saw Airborne paratroopers falling from the sky like manna from heaven. Almost instantly the battle turned in our favor and we were victorious.



Back at the base I was relaxing outside of my tent poorly attempting to BBQ.
“You call that BBQ?” said the voice behind me in a distinct Texas Drawl. I turned to see a man dressed only in jump boots, a 10 gallon hat, assault rifle and Texas flag speedo.
I quickly jumped to my feet and snapped to attention recognizing the man as General Spartan of the Airborne.
“You looked pretty good out there, I'll be keeping my eye on you”

About a month later I was approached by Colonel Apnea, “Hey there Andy, the General has had his eye on you. He noticed that you are just about strong enough to join our ranks. Interested?”
I expressed my interest and was told that someone would be in touch with me.

Soon after Apnea's visit I was contacted by the Airborne and transferred to their barracks. With an anxious feeling in my guy I knocked on the door. The door was answered by a man in a kilt sitting on top of a sheep, “Hello”, said the man in a Scottish accent, “you must be Andy. Welcome to Airborne you FNG!”. “You've been assigned to Lt. Strife's platoon, I'll take you over to him”.

After only walking a few yards I heard the distinct drawl of General Spartan yelling something about the Marines and firing a six shooter into the air. He was still wearing his Texas flag speedo and shotgunning beers. When he noticed me he yelled out a welcome and fired me a cold one. Drinking next to the General was the former and future general Maxmillian VonWillebrand BBQ'ing and spinning what looked like a homemade Wheel of Fortune wheel.

“Smell's good, doesn't it?, asked the Scotsman. “He does that for 12 hours a day”.

We arrived at Lt. Strife's tent only to find it empty. Just then this strange man magically appeared and inserted himself into our conversation.

“Strife's not here today, he's in South Africa, or maybe Germany. Actually, he my be on the Moon this week.” stated the mystery man. Before I could reply he was gone.

“Who was that?”

“Oh, that's just LTG Channing. He sometimes lurks in everyones conversation and appears out of nowhere.

After getting squared away I began to take a walk around. Outside of my tent was this strange man smoking a funny cigarette, talking in a South African accent and wearing funny clothes. I later found out he was a doctor and could never keep the same name for an extended period of time. I was so distracted by this man that I was nearly run over by Chubbzilla and his sheep.

During my time in the Airborne I have had the privilege of partyboying Elizabopolous, received hugs from Bia Pandora, fighting alongside numerous presidents including Jewitt and Harrison Richardson, slaying deer with Deerslayer, being swatted with a broom by Cyberwitch and watching Leroy Combs and Maruishima obliterate the enemy.

If you are interested in joining the ranks fill out the application and stop by #Airborne to say hi. As an added bones, joining Airborne makes your ePeen huge. Just ask Jimmy Olsen.



-Strength: 1800
-Minimum Rank: Lt Colonel**
-Minimum Influence Per Fight with No Weapon: 400

http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=en&formkey=dEV1cTdTLUhUVkhmeGRTbThrVGQzV3c6MA

Spc. Andy Dufresne
82nd Airborne Division 1st Platoon